15 January 2004 Thursday

http://ferrydust.com/journal/101/xcommittment-and-i

let’s see if i can half capture to myself what i’m thinking… and this is meant with regards to my personal view on myself, mostly, i guess, and the way i would likely approach things. if i feel i’ve thought it through enough, then many i’ll presume to propose it applies to others to whatever degree as well. 

if i were in a relationship with someone with whom i was happy with, and things were well… i dunno… unless i’ve decided upon certain things about them, whether or not i’ve made the decisions with them, .. i would feel a lot more free, and maybe even more motivated, to consider the possibility of other alternatives to our relationship. for myself, i guess i’d additionally have the consideration that, the reason a decision has not been made or that things are still so free verse (“take it as it goes.. get through this and maybe later we’ll think of that”) is because i’m not inclined toward that much decision with this person.  actually, i do know that to be at least mostly true from practice. none of this is to say that all committments must be made definitively, as immediately as they are possible… and i really don’t think it applies for all.. i just… with someone who’s intentions and ambitions wander so restlessly, and with a mind that moves with more defiance than makes things easy and more determination than makes things externally-manageable after-the-fact…….. it’s probably a pretty rational idea to have me be confronted one way or another, and to be compelled to determine myself one way or another.  faith is not entirely up to itself, you know.