ferrydust

13 January 2004 Tuesday

i recently (yesterday or so) read someone’s old entry regarding how our sins from the past potentially haunt us endlessly… or at least past what we perhaps/probably ever intended. but that entry was more about something very unaware and quite accidental… what i’m talking about was considerably conscious. i can’t chalk much of it to retrospect thing. while the situation was current, i knew things were rolling less than perfectly; i knew i was being less than completely nice and giving. i also knew it couldn’t go well. the design of the situation.. there’s strong argument that a lot of it could have been avoided, in many different ways… but exactly which/who/what would have been avoided? and how different everything would be as a result… whether for better or worse? i guess we wouldn’t really know. again that’s not to say that things couldn’t have gone differently. but they didn’t. everyone involved had a miserable time and the best hope for any of it was that, ultimately, everyone would come out okay.. not necessarily altogether, and not necessarily soon… regarding the speed of actions and the vividness of choices.. much of it really was survival. if a choice must be made in a one circumstance where a choice is the last thing you want to make… then it has to be taken all the way through. hard, rather than soft. painful rather than easy. i know general belief would have it that… i’m not really sure what to say. the responsibility for my actions are mine. i’m sorry for a fair amount of my behavior, but i also understand it, and have trouble honestly saying that i could have taken much of it back/made it different, even while i want to.

and then things split. most always concurrently, cuz that makes life so much more interesting, after all… and choices were made a long time ago.. and/but so were friendships and promises of trust, however they may seem to have been forgotten. very little is ever really forgotten, after all. much like the sins of ones’ past, i suppose. and no matter the depth of the truth of the ‘i love you’ and/or the ‘i’m so sorry’.. done is done.. and so is doing.