slated in mused
at 5:03 pm
i recently (yesterday or so) read someone’s old entry regarding how our sins from the past potentially haunt us endlessly… or at least past what we perhaps/probably ever intended. but that entry was more about something very unaware and quite accidental… what i’m talking about was considerably conscious. i can’t chalk much of it to retrospect thing. while the situation was current, i knew things were rolling less than perfectly; i knew i was being less than completely nice and giving. i also knew it couldn’t go well. the design of the situation.. there’s strong argument that a lot of it could have been avoided, in many different ways… but exactly which/who/what would have been avoided? and how different everything would be as a result… whether for better or worse? i guess we wouldn’t really know. again that’s not to say that things couldn’t have gone differently. but they didn’t. everyone involved had a miserable time and the best hope for any of it was that, ultimately, everyone would come out okay.. not necessarily altogether, and not necessarily soon… regarding the speed of actions and the vividness of choices.. much of it really was survival. if a choice must be made in a one circumstance where a choice is the last thing you want to make… then it has to be taken all the way through. hard, rather than soft. painful rather than easy. i know general belief would have it that… i’m not really sure what to say. the responsibility for my actions are mine. i’m sorry for a fair amount of my behavior, but i also understand it, and have trouble honestly saying that i could have taken much of it back/made it different, even while i want to.
and then things split. most always concurrently, cuz that makes life so much more interesting, after all… and choices were made a long time ago.. and/but so were friendships and promises of trust, however they may seem to have been forgotten. very little is ever really forgotten, after all. much like the sins of ones’ past, i suppose. and no matter the depth of the truth of the ‘i love you’ and/or the ‘i’m so sorry’.. done is done.. and so is doing.
so much time for the spending. but that which i would spend more than i have, i would spend on what i have not here. all that i would do and must do and otherwise might or certainly will besides, those are all elsewhere. and still i’ve this beautiful time and space. and i am undesirous to spend it where i would not choose, though all where i would, is not where i am, to have, till i am back where/when there is not the space, nor time, for anything i would or not do, at all.
intent vs. action. again.
i don’t know how i’m supposed to be. how things are supposed to be. i know my tendencies. i know my capabilities. i know my intentions. i know my responsibilities. it’s all a very splendid conflict because it’s all up to me and the only thing i am sure about is that i want everything to be okay. i never want less than honesty. i never want less than openness. but after years of always pushing that; pushing my way… i try to consider now that some times, for some people, in some instances, i have to step back and let things happen as is most comfortable/right.. whether or not it’s the ideal/comfortable for me. people can be silently grumpy at me, or honestly tell me when things are unhappy… the telling is preferable to the silence. thanks. but i know they’re unhappy. i just don’t know how to make things happy. and there’s little to nothing in the suggestion box.
my brother’s basketball team jersey number is 13. that’s happiness.
the moon’s been beautiful… today weather was perfect… sun was a lil overzealous in the blinding shining… but the colors and light patterns in the sky were fantastic.
“birds singing a song… words can’t be that strong; my heart is reeling.. this is that fresh, that fresh feeling.”
i don’t think i even know how to not take things in stride. it’s a matter of being okay no matter what. and i’m always okay.
my “friend” sent me this yesterday: http://18.104.22.168:56789/images/SajjadAli.swf. i… it hurt my tummy. nothing does that… except food on the inside… and maybe if things are thrown at it with some velocity.. this site hurt my tummy. :-( check it out if you dare. it occurs to me that my xanga site seems quite happy. i’ve always wondered how to feel about… about coming across all upbeat and happy and stuff…. i guess it’s good… it just doesn’t feel so… me. i’m not a downbeat person by nature…. but i dunno about the portrayal of constant fun-moodedness and such… and i’m annoyed that i’m trying to explain this even to begin with, since my whole point is pretty much that friends will recognize me as not really the happy zany person by character… tho there’s zanyness in plenty at times, i concede… pffft to all this. i’m going to go search for some chocolate chip cookies or something reasonable, rather than try to explain nonsenseness with ehness.
slated in mused
at 12:59 am
i like looking at my xanga site. it has pretty colors. :happy: i think good when i’m sitting in a moving car without obligation to talking to anyone. good, clear, symphonious thoughts… whole precise and perfect conversations carried out and actions flawlessly executed… but of course there’s no tape recorder. and would there were, the thoughts are complete in my head cuz of all the millions of other backgroundnesses and the illustrations of other thoughts to color it and all that other…. until the whole mind-reading / social-telepathy thing gets figured out in the whole scheme of human evolution… the perfect thoughts will remain so only in head. can’t even get those all down in an absolutely personal journal…. those words are only the framework of what is all in mind. half-eaten apple’s feeling neglected.
slated in mused
at 10:43 pm
excerpt from tread’s page: ”...let’s be honest. Isn’t the best system of governance inherently one with a strong center of power? It’s more effective, at least. Look at the Roman Empire! Look at Alexander! Peter the Great! Napoleon! .. Individuals with power. .. I guess the fundamental problem with Alexander and the rest is what happens when they die. Central Power like that rests on the individual. Not everyone can be a Caesar.” known to be my sentiment as well, much so. unpopular sentiment at that… but we know it’s the best true way… so… the individuals who were excellent with that power, upon death or other overthrowal thus lose that position and the position falls corrupted or weakened to the lesser hands that successively control it… yes. that’s bad. very bad.
so fix it. figure out the way to sustain power beyond death or to effectively maintain the successful leadership either by having the worthwhile leader never die and never fail in his/her excellence, or by having that power transferred to an equally effective person/center. if someone can just figure out the answer to this problem… then the rightful people can confidentally move forward with solving all other humanity’s and society’s issues.
on another note… i think it’s much cute how mother was like “we’re late we’re late!” (to go pick up grandmother from airport) and then she had me check the flight status online, and found taht flight will arrive twenty minutes late… so, suddenly, we’re not going anywhere. we’re sitting and chilling and i had time to write this whole entry… and in another few minutes she’ll be screaming “we’re late!” again. i love that woman. good thing, that. ;-)
slated in mused
at 10:00 pm
eh. while i’m still here… as it’s still the “first day” of my weblogging (rather scary… i dunno if i’ll keep to this…).. i thought i might make this statement right about.. now… i don’t trust weblogging. not for myself. how the bloody heck am i sposed to be open and honest about what’s going on in my life, consistently, to something that might or might not be but could be and may be and eventually might and later could be read by someone or another who i know or don’t know who i do or don’t or might or would or really wouldn’t want reading about specific or general or some or all of the stuff in my head/life? and of course no one (most no one) would write about everything going on in their head and life… and stuff and stuff… but… names.. events… this and that and everything… it’s just in general… i don’t like the “i can’t say this cuz…” or “let’s just talk about this instead of that…”… if it’s a journal, let what be in mind, be said… if it’s a public posting… then…. mm… *shrug* maybe i need a mission statement. what’s the point of an ali weblog at this juncture (:tongueface:)… well… i’m thinking there is one good reason for me to be doing this…. ali weblog mission: procrastination (on an even grosser scale than even before was thought reasonably successable).
was eating the pizza.. watching random tv… the buffy episode when buffy’s mom joyce has recently died was on… anya finally showed everyone how upset she was… everyone… it was… yes. good episode. mommy should be up from her nap in a bit… we’ve got to leave for the airport soon to fetch mom-mom… the weather’s atrocious… i blame the cold on the people who ordered the cold, and i blame the rain on the people who forgot to ask that there not be rain. and the fact that it’s dark compounded on all that… i’ll let nighttime get away with that one, this time. the tibetan temple was good… lorense and i did the chanting thing together… that was nice… it struck me, as i was sitting there without much else to do but concentrate and meditate and relax (still not so clear on how to make meditation actually work… involves clearing ones’ mind, ultimately… one day maybe it’ll hit me..).. the thing is, asian-type temples or other such things, based in the u.s. or in non-asia… they’re clearly ..asian-attempted but not actual. even without knowing the outside design and structure of the building.. the interior, despite all its asian garments and symbols and pictures and colors and deliberate sounds and smells and objects and such,.. you know you’re not in asia. randomly, lorense is being a good driver. i’m glad. on other things… friendship and trust… it’s not possible to be 100% honest and loyal to more than one person. ever. there will ALWAYS be instances in which there is conflict, and unless … well, i dunno… unless ALL parties share the common trust, there can not be a complete trust between more than two. it’s sad. :sad: what if… no time to set up the scenario right now… there’s a few in mind at any rate.. ‘ll see what comes up when i try to convey the general thought at another time… i’ve still got to write something for mommy before we go… ali out.
i find myself perpetually patronizing the pieces of my life… those pieces that i am not interested in keeping, but have been slotted in my path for color, i suppose. and then it rains… before or after i miss the sun that i know is promised to me. how lonely is a star? so far from other vibrant orbs, so surrounded by big rocks…that are so comparably small, but eat so much light. but if i can still hear my voice, then the mood of my scenes are bound to my themes… and my music always moves me.