i don’t know how i’m supposed to be. how things are supposed to be. i know my tendencies. i know my capabilities. i know my intentions. i know my responsibilities. it’s all a very splendid conflict because it’s all up to me and the only thing i am sure about is that i want everything to be okay. i never want less than honesty. i never want less than openness. but after years of always pushing that; pushing my way… i try to consider now that some times, for some people, in some instances, i have to step back and let things happen as is most comfortable/right.. whether or not it’s the ideal/comfortable for me. people can be silently grumpy at me, or honestly tell me when things are unhappy… the telling is preferable to the silence. thanks. but i know they’re unhappy. i just don’t know how to make things happy. and there’s little to nothing in the suggestion box.
my brother’s basketball team jersey number is 13. that’s happiness.
the moon’s been beautiful… today weather was perfect… sun was a lil overzealous in the blinding shining… but the colors and light patterns in the sky were fantastic.
“birds singing a song… words can’t be that strong; my heart is reeling.. this is that fresh, that fresh feeling.”
i don’t think i even know how to not take things in stride. it’s a matter of being okay no matter what. and i’m always okay.
i think i was in bed before 5. i seriously considered and debated with myself this morning, not getting out of bed. that would be.. i wouldn’t get up to take lorense to school. he came over here and woke me up, and i lay in bed and thought, “i don’t really have to get up.. it’ll work out somehow..” i got up. i took him. i took the recyclables out. seems mom-mom used to watch seventh heaven.. she may have thought he was talking to her… she snapped at him quick… he tried to talk out of it nicely quick “i mean.. there are other shows you’d want to watch..” but… yea… he got yelled at.
.. mm. now i’m grumpy cuz my hammock background picture got bumped off the page. damnit. there’s no ‘grumpy’ face on this thing. that little blue face looks like the saddest little digital scrawl ever. where’s the ‘yell’, ‘blush’, ‘angel/innocent’, ‘silently fuming’, ‘suspicious’, ‘sleepy’ and all the faces we actually USE in real life?
eh. okay. done with that. my bed misses me.
slated in stuff
at 10:30 am
All Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics:
- Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
- Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
- Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
- Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self--always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.
Idealists are rare, making up no more than 8 to 10 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.
The four types of Idealists are:
Healers (INFP) | Counselors (INFJ) | Champions (ENFP) | Teachers (ENFJ)
Discover your personality at http://www.advisorteam.com/user/ktsintro.asp
thespark.com personality test: (i've turned up EXPERIMENTER twice in my life... the 5+ other times i've taken it: mastermind. yes. i've taken it much.. i like the result to be consistent...)
You are a MASTERMIND (SIAT). You can be silent and withdrawn, but behind your reserved exterior lies an active mind that allows you to analyze situations and come up with creative, unexpected solutions. Normal people call this ?scheming.? Don?t learn German.
Anyway, your sense of style and originality are your strengths, and people will respect your judgment once they get to know you. If you learn to be a little more personable, you could be a great leader--you?ve definitely got the ?vision? thing down. Just make sure all the plotting you do behind those eyes of yours is healthy.
Famous masterminds in television: Dr. Claw, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, and Montgomery Burns.
i got to talk to junhoe tonight. i miss him much . daddy comes home tomorrow night. i was going to sleep early tonight… it would probably have been good for me… but… i just din’t feel it. gotta wonder about someone who likes to drink when they’re alone, just for fun, cuz they can. *shrug* plenty of other things to do/think about. i don’t know quite where i am on things right now. i’m always okay, of course, and on the broad side, there’s really nothing to be less than smiley-cutsey-voiced pleased about. but i’m not feeling it so much. even when i’m smiling/laughing about things/excited about the happy trivial.. i’m still not feeling it. mm. i have a lot to get done tomorrow. i’m thinking i should plan a trip to ohio for the beginning of december… i’d kind of like to not be taking the trip alone… tho i certainly won’t be alone once i get there… i did raking today. hands got all cold and stuff and when i came inside, after a lil while they started tingling and then got very hot. ‘was a bit interesting, and a bit more annoying. i don’t like very much this dry skin business that the winter brings with it. in fact, i outrightly detest it. if there’s one thing i hate most about winter, it’s the dryness that the cold brings with it.
on a thoroughly other thought… recommended song: ‘Eels’ – Fresh Feeling
“birds singing a song;
old paint is peeling
..this is that fresh, that fresh feeling.
words can’t be that strong;
my heart is reeling..
this is that fresh,
that fresh feeling.”
‘may as well end on that note. i’ll go to bed eventually. “try, try to forget what’s in the past.. tomorrow is here…”
dream must’ve been in malaysia… was at grandparents old house only it was a different house… based on the old estate grandfather owns… much more elaborate… aunty cheng and ee-ee were clearly there… something about a lot of bathrooms/washroom areas… grandmother was in a tub that was more or less a basin which is more or less normal for malaysian bathing… except that normally you don’t actually sit in it… grandmother, ma-ma, (passed away just a few weeks ago) was checking the bottom of one of her feet for something… she was paying much attention to that…. ended up outside… something about selling the whole property… as one piece… not dividing it after having given much consideration (grandfather, kong-kong) but the property being so huge… and i considering that it would be so useful if it were back in the u.s…. though even in malaysia, the land could be worth so many things… but such a large piece… and something about oil pipes on the border of the property.. and moving bricks and dirt to look for ‘overlaid pipes’ or something about that… some other people… i dunno. this morning taking lor to school… kit wa mai sabai… yuen kuen: see daam.. mai dee.
who saw the meteor shower? http://www.weather.com/newscenter/topstories/021118meteorshower.html
revealed in dark to overwhelm and drag beyond the quiet realm / absorbed in light of rippled thought within a world that magic sought / essential reason, patience to a truth that is not always true / a peace that is not always calm, entrapped within a fickle palm / a love that grows within a calm encouraged by a gentle palm / and painting ground where risings fall with glittered dreams, slighting strife, we’ll make our ways and triumph all, sipping smiles from sugared life.
This is my desktop background for the past few weeks.. one of my favoritest pictures with one of my favoritest people. i wanted to put up a happy thought right now. there’s a meteor shower tonight. falling stars… shooting stars… ‘pieces of dust’... perfect trust.
slated in stuff
at 7:54 pm
According to the SelectSmart.com Belief System Selector, my #1 belief matches are Neo-Pagan and Universal Unitarianism. |
What do you believe?
|My Results 1st Time Around:
|My Results 2nd Time Around: |
slated in stuff
at 7:11 pm
i’m not sure at all how i got here… http://www.xanga.com/BobsLeftNut ..but uh… err?
unusual, in-depth dream.. something about a school… a place… a guy… a girl… there were lots of other people too..and at least one other significant girl, i think… but it comes down to them….. the girl being as or more attractive and a bit more edgy than lana lane in smallville (i know. wow. ), and the guy being alright but a lil soft in character… and… and something to do with being at a sports event… and walking around the back of the bleachers or soemthing… this was all nighttime, i’m pretty sure.. and something with going for a walk… something to do with a carnival or something..or a club… and then communicating online and trying to ditch the guy decently after interfering with the girl who for some reason has interest in this guy who clearly did really have interest in her before… and by trying to ditch the guy, talking to friends online while he’s there… and when he looked away, typing something like “he’s here.. come save me…” and closing the window really fast.. but that wasn’t it… it was typoed and the typo made sense verbally, so had to retype and send again quick before he came back.” and mild other thinkings around this plot that i don’t specifically recall but remember them being. ...and as waking up (was awake but not done waking) had the line playing over in my head “this is to a girl who got into my head with all the pretty things she did.. you know.. you keep me up in bed.. this is to a girl who got into my head with all the fucked up things i did ..maybe ..maybe you could keep me up in bed” (konstantine)... what exactly specifically does that verse mean anyway? the day got sunny. this morning was not pretty. now it is. i approve. whoever placed the order on the day, right now is looking good; well done. and i happen to know that there are some absurdly perfect brownies downstairs… breakfast time.