there’s snow on the ground. who knows how much will still be there when i wake up (not that it’s quite knee-deep right now as it is) but i’ll go to sleep knowing
that there is snow outside my window, blanketing my driveway;
that my daddy will be napping at home tomorrow,
that my mommy will be in a playing mood (tho she’ll tell me to shovel the driveway),
that my grandmother will tell me my wish for snow was granted,
and that my brother will be waking me up to play in the morning, saying “chal!! challo! wake-up-o! challo!”
how happy is that?
dream: asian store, different treats in same basket, class.. sitting.. one person sitting in front, one sitting behind… mumbling.. talking… sitting elsewhere.. a round laminated piece of art/work that is familiar.. signed by else.. by me on back; i keep.. familiar/representative identities.. japanese the asian store? keep wanting to say ‘thankyou’ but undecided on language…
cambodian temple this morning… then out till late afternoon having mommy-daughter time.. sun leaves so fast…
slated in stuff
at 5:42 am
we know how i like to take these ‘identity’-type test things more than once to confirm… well.. apparently, my compatibility with my own self goes like this:
and furthermore… apparently:
Take Word Association Test
|I have issues with…|
dream: classroom… baby… group counselling/legal session.
lots of dreams. something moving into chestertown again… furniture not being sufficient for my usual room setup.. roommate is handicapped (wheelchair).. end up considering changing sides of the room (i usually always keep to the same spot i’ve had plotted and lived in so long/previously).... segment about going to the diner and taking the freshmen to the upperclassmen diner (something about my friends not knowing i’m back yet… so i’ll run into them whenever)... something about being found by an agent of good or something and being turned over to specific side… then her daughter is attacked by an agent of bad because she wasn’t supposed to interfere with peoples’ paths and directions… turns out i have some power (like energy rays/telekinetics) and potential for real influential power.. ...those are the gists of it..
my throat hurts lots. too much chocolate-eating lately, i guess. my god my bed feels so good… i only left it cuz i’m feeling a bit guilty about sleeping into the 1 and 2 o’clock zones of the day. eels - fresh feeling still being heavily played on my list.
ending the night with this.. ‘Collective Soul’ – Needs
“all around me, i see what weakness has made. too much tomorrow.. i think i’ll take all today. am i a poison? am i a thorn in the side? am i a picture-perfect subject tonight? here i slumber to awaken my daze.. i find convenience in this savior i save.. am i a prison? am i a source of bad news? am i picture-perfect reason for you? in this time of substitute, it’s my needs i’ve answered to all the while.. and all the hope that i invest… turns to signals of distress, all the while. i don’t need nobody.. i don’t need the weight of words to find a way to crash on through.. i don’t need nobody.. i just need to learn the depth or doubt of faith to fall into.”
currently listening to: Vanessa Carlton – More Than Wanted
“i know, i know you like the way you feel when i play… i know i know you don’t really hear what i say… and i know, i know you are waiting for something to rain… i know i know you wish you could be more than you say…
and i am more than you will see.. and i am more than you will need.. and i am more than you will see.. more than wanted.
more than you’ll love.. more than you’ll hate.. more than you’ll have.. more than wanted… more than you’ll need.. more than you’ll dream.. more than you’ll hold.. more than wanted… more than you’ll crave.. more than you’ll cherish.. more than you’ll have.. more than wanted.”
i don’t know how i’m supposed to be. how things are supposed to be. i know my tendencies. i know my capabilities. i know my intentions. i know my responsibilities. it’s all a very splendid conflict because it’s all up to me and the only thing i am sure about is that i want everything to be okay. i never want less than honesty. i never want less than openness. but after years of always pushing that; pushing my way… i try to consider now that some times, for some people, in some instances, i have to step back and let things happen as is most comfortable/right.. whether or not it’s the ideal/comfortable for me. people can be silently grumpy at me, or honestly tell me when things are unhappy… the telling is preferable to the silence. thanks. but i know they’re unhappy. i just don’t know how to make things happy. and there’s little to nothing in the suggestion box.
my brother’s basketball team jersey number is 13. that’s happiness.
the moon’s been beautiful… today weather was perfect… sun was a lil overzealous in the blinding shining… but the colors and light patterns in the sky were fantastic.
“birds singing a song… words can’t be that strong; my heart is reeling.. this is that fresh, that fresh feeling.”
i don’t think i even know how to not take things in stride. it’s a matter of being okay no matter what. and i’m always okay.