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timshel.

Composition

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"Everything counts a little more than we think..."

14 August 2008 Thursday

Random entries spur/spawn rambles

slated in moments, mused at 4:18 pm

Ferrydust went on a religious kick this morning, giving me the following two articles (from random entries links from the sidebar): Would you choose contentment…? and That God believes in suffering. And, actually, they’re both from the same week.. so is it the subject or the time period I should be looking at, if I’m looking for deeper meaning?

I traced the general timeline of key points of progression from the past many years.. actually a bit interesting. on the one hand, things were not so rosy as they seemed at the time; on the other, things were not so giddy or unrealistic as might have been remembered. And the happiness is loud and clear.
It’s always interesting for me to read back old entries.. I’m a little surprised sometimes by how much I share on this site.. but it’s mostly a pleasant surprise. I remember, usually, what I was referring to or feeling at the time, even though without the written entry, I might not remember those words/thoughts/incites and insights at all. I get self-conscious and concerned that some of what I’ve written will be held against me, or that I’ll wish I could revise what I said, or that it will reveal something that one day I don’t want known.. But. I don’t want to revise or censor what I’ve already posted. And I want to continue posting to myself.. and I figure I care more about any of it than anyone else ever would anyway, so..

Goes back to recent observance that I am not as careful as I used to be. I notice this by contrast to a friend of mine who is cautious to an extreme.. but I remember being somewhat like that back through gradeschool. I’ve relaxed over time; I don’t worry as much about tripping up.. I like to think it’s because I trust the people/world around me a bit more. I like to think it’s because I know things aren’t so important or serious / people (for the most part) aren’t so interested or cruel to use all possible pieces against me. I like to think it’s because I figure most things are fixable; I can clarify afterward or apologize if I make a mistake; I like to think that the people who count will understand and/or forgive me and/or allow me to continue to provide a bigger picture and context.
And I have to consider that while it’s possible that I’ve healthily mellowed in maturity, it’s also possible that I’ve just become careless/less conscious. Maybe both? Or am I now considering too much, thwarting my mature mellowness?

This has turned out to be more ramble than intended.
I wonder how many times I’ve written that sentiment on this site?

Also, while writing ferrydust entries, I almost always think that the content I’m posting is sub-par or certainly does not match the spirit/character/length/prose of older articles from years past. but either nearly all my posts are weak (could be, but the messages still come through to me, for which I am grateful) or I am continuing to convey myself as me, fairly successfully, when I write anything at all. It’s a bit heartening to feel that, each time I read back over entries.

This has been reallllly self-indulgent. And as usual, this being my site, I’m mostly okay with that. And I repeat myself often. Enduring themes, I suppose.

Btw, my new bluetooth headset matches-ish my phone. and that’s happy. also, near a dozen punch buggies yesterday. that’s happy too.
Also, good people around. and a very cute young married couple that’s going to make a very cute old married couple one day. and lots of good food; though right now I’m wanting juice and wondering … nuts. no juice in the stash. wonder if nestea will suffice. …annnnnnd it expired in June, so we’re going to just set that aside for a trip to the recycling bin…
I ate 98% of my bunny grahams this morning on the car ride. Now I have nearly no bunnies. :-/
Also, three separate compliments on my scarf this morning, and, as of 9:30, I’ve only seen ~five people so far today.

Last note to self: flipping through archives after draw from random entries, yielded articles that reference Bluey: 165 and 794.

p.s. happy packing

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