30 March 2004 Tuesday

sorrow sustained. and btw, generally more poignant than sadness.

recent article/post i read online a few days ago, called, “How Could You.” — first-person story of a loyal, loving dog who ultimately is abandoned/ discarded/ betrayed. i realized just now that it speaks to how i feel i treated someone who was never, ever anything less to me than the best friend i could ever hope for; best friend anyone could know, and one of the best people i’ll ever know. but then there was someone else, and timing and circumstance.. i’ve lost that best friend, and i didn’t do it very nicely. choices are such: that they being good or bad choices, does not directly correlate to a good or bad result. my choices, i maintain, were fundamentally correct. but not necessarily good. and much of the result definitely is not good. but even the ‘bad’ that has come of it was reasonably considered. i made the choice/s for myself, and for him. he trusted me once.. i know he probably cannot (still) trust that my choices were reasonable, and most livable.. but i think ultimately, i am the one who really must live with that. i feel near all the apologies of the world, but regret is something i’ll continue to choose to not afford. i have to trust now, that i am as right as i trusted myself to be then.

— note: no notes of consternation or doubt or “poignant sadness” refer to the other half of the choice i made. as much as it is possible, that is an independent consideration of this one, —

ultimately, my sadness — the real, poignant and heart of my sadness on this whole matter, is the same as it was three years ago: that one day this choice would present itself to me in some form or other, and i would make it, and be sorry for my wake.
there it was, and there it is.
and i’m still sorry.