24 March 2004 Wednesday

i may as well go to bed

yea… it’s kinda sad when… well, when the one person i would talk to isn’t there to talk to, because he’s turned up unexpectedly (but not very unsurprisingly) at a bar (‘but it’s not a bar, persay’)… and i’m not really permitted to talk with the person i’m inclined to talk with… and other people are mostly not really talk-worthy, and otherwise, not close enough, etc…. *shrug* so what’s left then? tapping the keys on my keyboard and not typing anything. this is silly. i may as well go to bed now.

i’m not sure what i’m feeling… i totally killed his mood. i’m kind of sincerely sorry about that, and kind of seriously not sorry about it much at all. maybe this time it wasn’t terribly bad, in terms of work-responsibility, but if the habit/inclination keeps up, it could soon very much be. and it’s been several hours. and there’s a reason i wasn’t contacted. i don’t need to be checked in with every two minutes and i don’t need to know exact whereabouts and activities all the time. but i do know when i feel like i should have been talked to, and i know when there’s a reason i wasn’t.

i know i’ve been the cause of a very unhappy last-night, and probably an uncomfortable today. well it’s been just peachy for me, thank you. even now i’m trying to do what hopefully turns out to be as right as possible and have everything work out better, sooner, for the most important people, as well as possible. love has casualties. and sacrifices. sometimes they’re the same thing. i don’t know what my mood is now. i’m feeling tired. annoyed. sad.

again, i may as well go to bed now… anyway, may be good to get a head start on the sleeping, especially since i’ll probably have to be up later.

and it’s times like this when i feel most lonely and wish i could just lay in bed or sit in my chair and really talk with someone.

and it’s times like this when that is least possible of all.