06 September 2006 Wednesday

https://ferrydust.com/journal/1393/not-forgiven

I haven’t forgiven myself. I haven’t begun to try. I know it’s my biggest problem. I know I have to do it..

I know how to start. But I haven’t .. I guess that’s the problem—I don’t feel .. like I deserve forgiveness from myself.

Only as I’ve written this do I really realize it.

I can’t forgive myself yet. There were too many “mistakes”.. too many excuses I made to myself. And the things I did and especially the things I allowed to happen.. it’s not okay. I’m not okay. I’m sad and so disappointed and angry at myself.

I still love me. I still trust myself. I think I understand most of why … why I made the choices I did.. But .. I haven’t forgiven myself. I guess I can’t yet. ...No. The real truth is that I don’t want to yet. How dumb and sad. But I understand.

It’s not “sorry” that I need to be able to tell myself. It’s.. “I forgive you.” And I don’t yet.

To those of you who will be concerned by this post or … well, to those who have been/would be concerned about me, .. this will be trite and seems awkward to me to say, but thank you so much for caring but as much as the intentions are appreciated, I don’t need the consolation. ...No again. I guess I don’t want the consolation. But thank you… sincerely.