02 April 2004 Friday

frigray. or something.

…i guess that does more or less convey the point.

doesn’t really seem like a friday. i’m glad it is, though.

today’s oh-four/oh-two/two-oh-oh-four. it’s fun having days like that. i’m looking toward 04/04/04 on sunday. one day it’ll be 1/3/13. i’ll like that. too bad i don’t expect to see 9/7/(20)81. that would be really fun. hey.. actually, i could see that day. maybe. well, we’ll see. that would be fun. :)

.. my head’s pretty full about now. it’s not necessarily all over the place.. too consciously.. mellow solemn.

i’m not sure how i really feel about the new image on the far left. it’s the second draft of a such design. i like it, but still too busy, i thought. but the more it’s there, the more i’m getting used to it. but my first instinct was probably right.. i hadn’t planned on it being so busy. it’s there kind of a necessary aesthetic piece to complement functionality that is probably not noticeable. pretty, but does it work? i do most definitley intend to use something different on the individual entry/other archive pages. that’s why that piece of design was necessary in the first place. … oh. i’m actually not certain now. i’m totally getting used to it being on the other pages too. more so than the front page. but then what happens to the design on ‘siteography‘? leave it more or less as is, or tie it all together more? i’d kinda like it. but it seems bold now compared to the other design and certainly blockier. but.. that had been the intent. <sigh> i don’t know. i wish all of it mattered a bit more. well, i’m glad i have it. i’m glad i’d rather wallow in this than in television or eating or something. no i’m not that depressed. like i said, it’s simply a grey day. in several ways.

one thing i’d rather not have to decide for myself: the line of text at the bottom of each entry —(~alicson | 01:13 am | 313 words )— .. should i leave it centered as is, or put it back to left-justified like it was in the beginning? if i have to decide, of course i will. later.

i don’t like all this unhappiness thing. more than all, i don’t like being responsible for it. simultaneously, though, i know that i’ll more or less feel/think these things, whether i’m talking about it/sharing/involving outside myself or not. and i’m inclined to believe that the ‘not’ is the less preferable of the two, even if it’s the less ‘blissful’. the term ‘blissful’ is generally associated with the words ‘euphoria’ and ‘ignorance’. i’d rather forgo --there isn’t an ‘e’ in there, is there? well, clearly my first guess is no. funny-looking word, though.-- .. i was saying, i would rather forgo euphoria than revel in ignorance. that’s what a lot of this is about. the conflict, anyway. there was never too much ignorance all along the way, for me to start pretending it now. i think it. i feel it. not hugely useful to pretend otherwise. if it didn’t so affect other people, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. but it does, and it is. my thoughts in my head, lacking action or independent consequence—so affecting else. so painful to one i’d rather not ever bring pain. but there it is. i was asked ‘how can i help/make things better?’ and the situation is that i must ask the same. what is realistically possible? if neither knows how to turn off the point of issue. the point of issue is not a person, or a thing, it’s a state of mind. that’s considerably more … complex, wouldn’t you think?

i just came across, and highly recommend: notpretty.com
not pretty. but beautifully poignant and poignantly beautiful.

… —[elapsed time ~20 minutes]— … holy heck i like that site. i like that person. a whole much.

i shouldn’t check my email so much when i’m at work. it’s a bit sad. i’m hungry. daddy’s sandwich time.

daddy likes to put relish and lots of mayo and mustard and randomnesses. oy. but he makes me sandwiches. i’m keeping him forever.

people are scattered to lunch. so i’m back on here for a bit. it’s raining (still/again) outside.

having been replying to emails, and (especially) having emails to reply to in the first place, much of the compression that fuels me pouring into this page/posts is sukoshi dissipated.

it’s fun to see/hear the guys around here banter with each other. three guys here especially are so excellent in general. and another two have such a nice bond. i like it.

i want to paste emails here. and all number of excerpts from various sources. some relating to this post/mood/day, and the rest a perpetual compellation (if that’s not a real word, then i’m extra-pleased with myself anyway).

some of the reason why notpretty.com and sites like it are strikingly honest and excellent in that way, is because they can be. the things they talk about (in general) are not (anymore) close to them; they don’t live with the family they refer to, and they’re no longer with the significant other to whom they refer (or they don’t operate on the total dedication and trust thing, which makes personal/exclusive/selfish honesty a lot more doable). i love that they can do that. i love that they do that. (side note: i’m referring strictly to content at this point, and not to writing style. some of the writing styles and abilities out there are breathtaking to me. i love it love it love it love them love life love it.) —i just understand that i probably won’t ever really do that. and in their ways, i love my reasons why as well.

i just remembered: my dream last night was pretty twisted. but i don’t remember anything about it

almost time for home-going.