19 April 2004 Monday

yet summer around the bend

6:11am~
i am so tired today. oy.
yesterday was nice enough. beautiful weather. essential company. all mostly reasonable things.
i forgot how hot my room can get.. it’s all that altitude..
and the basement is going to be a welcomed-back friend.
i hear that if your brain doesn’t get enough water, it gets sleepy. or your whole self gets sleepy, anyway.
i dunno. i’m sleepy/tired.. but i even feel lazy to drink my water that i have here with me.
i understand that work is a necessary function of society/life
but this can’t really be very much way to spend one’s limited days.
not for me, anyway.
but means to an end.

imposition and justification.. most things seem to be fine and well as long as they do not affect others. but to affect others in a way unpleasant to them is widely viewed as wrong.
would isolation satisfy others? no.. that would be selfish and insociable and inhuman and wrong, as well. to not be, is not acceptable. to not be nice, is not acceptable. must be nice, to be accepted. or so powerful that outlook upon you is only of pathetic and suggestive consequence. okay, so.. be nice or be powerful. this is all toward efficiency and idealism, btw. cuz of course you can be of average stock and be not nice. but since there would be that backlash since it is unacceptable social behavior, that’s simply not going to be a very ideal lifestyle for one who wants any sort of an ideal… mm. then we get to the concept of ideals. and an individuals’ personal ideals versus society’s. in fact, of course, a person’s morals and goals as well.
right of an outsider to go and impose their own ideals and methods and expectations on others.
but that’s humanity, right? struggle to be bigger, stronger, better, and to impact as many/much as possible. make them like yourself, or make them like you’d like.
~7:32am

soooo sleepy.

8:12am~
seriously. this energy being expended on keeping my eyes open makes it difficult to find energy for anything else (e.g. work).
and what i’m doing at work isn’t so terribly tiring at all…
and while i didn’t sleep early last night, it was certainly earlier than usual.
..though i did have to get up a bit earlier than usual, also…
but i guess what it is, is all the accumulated nights of not very much sleeping, for whatever reasons.
i need back those evenings, not long ago, when i would stop whatever i was doing to say, “screw it all; i’m going to bed. life and all this stuff will still be there tomorow.” yes. i must have those nights again.

8:43am~
lucky those who are staying in bed today. that’s where i belong, too.
‘guess there’s not much urgency to check my email today, then.

10:55am~
at least i’m more awake now. Also making progress formulating how to transfer / integrate aim profile site here.

11:41am~
said the rabbit to the bumblebee: “you can’t you can’t you can’t catch me!”