12 September 2005 Monday

Terrible sadness

I’ve had an RSS notice in my email box since this morning, informing me that there was an Announcement entitled ‘A Terrible Sadness’ to the Textpattern forum. But I didn’t read it until just now. I had no idea…

My reaction has been shock and sadness and sorrow and regret and confusion… I didn’t really know sivni. From my impression of him from the forum, I liked him, and we communicated for a little while regarding his start up of textgarden. But I had not read his homepage posts that very honestly and openly revealed his battles with depression and panic attacks. I didn’t know. I’m sorry and I’m sad. And there’s a whole lot of us who are sad right now and grieving for him.. let alone the people who actually met him and knew him and loved him. How can a person be so unhappy, to be willing to leave everyone else behind—and more than that; be willing to hurt them and deprive them of the person they care about. I can’t be mad at sivni. I didn’t know him well enough and I don’t know what he went through. I’m sorry I didn’t know, I’m sorry I didn’t …somehow make things better for him… better enough.. And I think about other friends and people I’ve known.. People I’ve known well enough. Either after the fact or even during.. I’ve been lucky. Of the people I’ve known and cared about who have seriously attempted suicide, they’ve all failed. For one reason or another, it didn’t happen. And I’m grateful and sad and angry and if they had succeeded… How could they? What would.. I just… Everyone deserves a chance.. Everyone who cares deserves a chance to know it’s that bad, and to try to fix it… to try to save their friend, whether selfishly or not. I don’t know. it doesn’t happen like that. I know it just doesn’t happen like that. I don’t know what I’m trying to say or convey. I’m really sad. I’m really sorry. For all of them. I hope Sivert was more happy than sad, when he could be, and I hope he’s at peace now.. ...