slated in
mused at 12:51 am
in general, i wonder if time really ever changes anything
people go on with their lives.. they create and find new elements to fill int he place of the old
sometimes
it’s never quite the same
but sometimes it’s okay
anyway, with _.. _ wasn’t new to me
just very much exemplified what already digusted me
but i loved ___ anyway
and was there as best as i could be whenever ___ asked me to be
sometimes it’s okay, i guess
if i knew that all of that… whatever it is.. for whatever reason.. if i know that after all of that, ___ still deserved my love
then maybe it would be okay
i think i’m okay with most everyone else by that..
i guess that could mean i can’t really be okay with ___2 then,
even if i think i am
because i know ___2 doesn’t deserve my love
but maybe ___2 would have, if our paths had not crossed quite as they had. well.. maybe not even then
but with ___, there isn’t much of that question
___ doesn’t and didnt’ deserve it
and of course i’m the silly one
i’m the one who, well
whyt he hell haven’t i gotten over it?
why was i nervous today?
is that discomfort with ___?
with myself?
if it had just been ___? and not someone else whose opinion of me matters to me?
maybe it would have been different
but it was an interesting combination
and somehow
somewhere along the line
i’ve allowed myself to think that maybe i have to be careful
that i’m not queen of every room i walk into
that everyone won’t know/remember who i am and of course never have stopped loving me since they’ve known me
maybe
where and when, then
and i know i could solve this if i were outside looking in
and i know …
you know, i don’t do this anymore
offhandedly, i don’t think i do
the thorough, sudden honesty of myself, with myself…
with anyone….
every now and then, i suppose
but not so much if it’s particularly about me
which makes me consider
if this is really about me
only me, anyway
in all the most important ways ~*~ audience->
i am the same person of five years ago
i trust that i am
i remember parts of me then…
i remember leaving UM..
i remember having a hell of a year over things then
i don’t calm..
not so much
i don’t panic, i don’t falter
but more and more…
i do hesitate
i am composed
but i’m increasingly less willing ot be
i wonder if maybe
i suspect that maybe.. perhaps
knowing ourselves
knowing each other
knowing the truth of the present, and past, and any time and any thing…
sometimes it’s not enough
you know what?
maybe some of those times…
it’s okay.
even if we seem to lose a little
giving in a bit
risking something along the way
or outright giving up a few things
a little bit
. then to just remember
that there’s so much left for ourselves
i’ve been reluctant.. and even unwilling, outright…
to explain myself, more and more, often and lately
to define what i do and what i think
to describe my actions and plans and sometimes my intentions
i think i’m more willing to discuss my intentions
but then
people don’t instinctinvely ask about that
and having enough time to myself with my own
i find so many extra avenues
and it becomes much more complicated
i do that, i don’t i
complicated is something i do pretty easily
believe it or not, i can think simply, too
or at least think things out that way
i can.
it simply requires a self-imposed tunnel vision.
and crossing out of the extraneous
of all the possibilities
and limiting
arbitrarily or dictatedly
just limiting and deciding, and following through.
i can do that.
i was sure i could do that…
anything one can do….
everyone likes to say
either one or the other:
that love is enough
or that it isn’t.
i figure it depends on what you want it for
with a little bit of imagination
and/or tunnel vision
anything can be anything
so is this babbling?
maybe…
i extend that the last few dozen lines have been moving toward it
but i would still call it something more along the lines of a ramble
which began with somewhat of a rant
my body needs much more sleep than it ever seemed to before
and it rarely seems satisfied, anymore, with the amount it gets
story of life, perhaps, when you stop to consider… emotion and passion…. to desire as the root of all evil, right?
whether that’s right or wrong, desire is the root of most everything, in every form
but so many things to desire
and so many components to satisfy
desire to think.. to write.. to type.. to sleep.. to read.. to webdesign.. to clean my room.. to pick up my phone.. to drink water.. to consider myself a while…
compromise on the sleep
i can lay in bed for a bit, at first
i can do another three or four of those things together, then
the other things?
i guess they have to wait
maybe that’s what it is about everything that’s not yet quite in sight
do you think i still believe in myself?
do you think i should?
do you think i could live if i didn’t?
slated in
mused at 12:46 pm
“To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.” ~Jorge Luis Borges
9:20am~ worshipers of god—fulfilling a seemingly desperate human need for infallibility.. for perfection.
Buddha = enlightenment = perfection …
God = omni-omni = perfection …
and blasphemous to consider that God could be fallible.
does Christianity/Catholicsm stipulate that God is perfect? ~*~ lingua->
men are constantly judged (ultimately by God) as “good” or “bad”.. and are universally recognized to be fundamentally, completely, essentially, ultimately imperfect beings.
‘but God can judge us because God is Perfect..’
and ‘God does not make mistakes’.
i would say (in accordance with my belief that God is as fallible as conscious is… and far more so if subject to similar emotions/motivations as man—which i am very skeptical of/interested in).. there ‘are no mistakes’.. there simply is what is and is not.. what happened and didn’t…—by that point, if what is or is not, is contrary to desire/expectation, then it is a mistake.
so further.. presume God to have desires and expectations. if others can do things to disappoint him, then whose mistake? is a choice to trust/gamble/expect falsely/incorrectly not a mistake? perhaps not.. if not, then it is because it just is.
9:40am~ in general, heroes, idols, gods… objects of worship are followed blindly because they are omni-__ ... they can do no wrong.
one can be loved despite/for their imperfections..
but one is worshipped for their perfection.
what about love of God? is he loved through/for his mistakes/vulnerability(ies).? offhandedly, i venture: no. he’s loved for accepting our imperfections (at best intention).
p.s. i got the ‘94 maxima. hereforth dubbed, “bluey”. (and mom wants to steal my license plate(s))
also, my supervisor at work commented today… within minutes of handing me a long assignment..: “And are you done with this yet?—you being you, I thought it was a fair question.” 
been going through the whole car-search thing, as a car is pretty much necessary for me now that i’m working in gaithersburg and dad is home and lorense has to get to school and work and such.. mom’s really been helping spearhead it.. i really appreciate that. she’s been very supportive, and i love that when she recognizes a situation, the means and method don’t matter so much as the necessary outcome. she starts from the end, with ”a car is needed for x reasons”, and then does what has to be done to get to that.
’am listening to the Grey Album. it is interesting.
gonna go look at the 1994 camry today.
slated in
mused at 10:03 pm
email :::
by the way
i read lee’s story.. about his mother…
it really, really hurt.
i read it over some colbycheese and ritzcrackers and brownie mix. while lor and mom have been out all afternoon.
i sat in the kitchen and cried loudly for a while.
it felt a bit strange, being alone in a house, and having nothing wrong, except reading a book, and feeling so hurt and crying so much.
humans/emotions are curious things.
i had to cut my thoughts from the story and leave the kitchen. i think i’ll only remember the story when i’m prepared to feel hurt and cry again.
it is a beautiful book.
i still don’t understand what the natural/genetic/life-sustaining reason is that we cry. nor why i seem to do it extra-much.
i’ll be sad to finish this book.
it snowed today. crazy. but no sticking.
lor and mom just arrived home.
love,
~alicson
daddy replied:::
Mmmm, the Colby cheese I understand, but ritzcrackers & brownie mix???
I’m beginning to cry, just reading your email.
Favorite books? That’s tough. Like choosing a “favorite” friend, or season. The truthful answer is, and I think should be, “the one I’m reading now.” (Which happens to be “1421, The Year the Chinese Discovered America” — a wonderfully eye-opening view of Chinese and world history.) Most of my favorites would be “eye openers” — that made me rethink or consider amazing things totally new. For novels, I can still recall crying during “Grapes of Wrath,” and many others. That’s part of what good writing is about. For the one that “I wish I’d written that”, certainly “The Tao of Pooh” would rank up there — eye-opening, joyful, concise.
Hope you have a decent dinner.
Love,
\Dad
Bangalore
Wednesday, February 25, 2004 4:59 AM
first day of work.. successfully completed… all is well..
when am i going to have time now(/ever) to work on rasasayang?
there’s other things that must also get done meanwhile, tho.
*feeling like doing the boogy dance* no reason.
gonna go eat colby(crumbly) cheese and crackers(ritz). yum for me, bye for now.
hbe, of course it’s making me cry. people get older and there’s so much sadness.. and families and still so much love and such understanding.
i’m not sure why i’m feeling so tense right now… especially after decisions have been made… but i still feel it.. the tenseness… the on-edgeness… the tiredness.. gosh. maybe i feel a bit bad about one or two things… or might’ve done things a bit differently…(not in terms of final decision, but as to manner in which, and such) .. retrospect; hindsight is always so very sure.
slated in
as so at 10:03 pm
mozilla firefox is a vast improvement over firebird. i still maintain opera (at the moment, i’m on version 7.23) as the best of current browsers, tho.
good gracious.
currently listening to Beautiful Mistake by ’Better than Ezra’. and have had beautiful You and I Both by Jason Mraz stuck in my head as of late. must get the non-acoustic version soon.
interesting to have internet working. bad that i’m incredulous/impressed/pleased with that. the spoiled living in luxury are pitifully poor once having lost the accessories they once never dreamed of.
must it always be such a battle to simply have consistent access online? and what’s up with the spontaneous restarts my computer’s been doing? the authoritative programs claim i don’t have a virus.. norton and i’ve not got along lately, so i can’t run a complete system check that way…
in the midst of considering job opportunities/offers/possibilities right now… am sukoshi frizzed.
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