“it’s the people in our lives that provide us the balance to help us make it through.”
......you’ll say “fine” and ask me how I’m doing.
And then I’ll lie…
Golden haze… another morning, feels like yesterday.
enough to make it seem like I was only there long enough to disappear…
...Excuse me, are you lost? Perhaps you would care to visit the site map
“it’s easy to turn your back.. but not always so easy to forget.”
“you can never forget what you’ve done. but we adapt. we move on.”
“i still believe in paradise. but now at least i know it’s not some place you can look for. because it’s not where you go, it’s how you feel for a moment in your life when you’re part of something.”
okay. i’m fed. talked with mom for a while over lunch/breakfast. feng-shui. overpowering buddhas. passing one’s fate onto another. encouraged success. choice of location for studying. back to work now.
definitely deserving the trouble i’m definitely in. feeling sorry. not knowing what to do about any of it now. needing chocolate chip cookies. needing to finish my other work so i can spend time where time really should be spent. need breakfast.
no. i’m sorry; as usual. but i think at this point i’m inclined to know that there really are some things that can’t be “fixed”. i guess everything can be made better, one way or another. but it’s almost always at the sacrifice of something else.
another thing.. it’s always soooo exhilarating to be waiting for pending confrontation/scolding. love it. i get to sit here, and go about my day…or days.. and lie/sit in bed, under or over covers.. or dally in the shower.. or zone out at the window.. waiting for the impending chiding/scolding/yelling/crying whatever it will be. “alicson, you’re in trouble. i’ll talk to you later.” love it. love itloveitloveit. 
currently listening to: Kelly Clarkson – The Trouble With Love Is
i need breakfast.“…it’s stronger than your pride.. ..now my love’s a deeper blue.. i’m sadder but i’m wiser too… the trouble with love is.. it’s in your heart.. it’s in your soul..“
i guess some things can’t really be fixed. only lived with.
i dreamt of living in australia… things were kind of spread out, i guess… but most things tended to look new, i think.
at one point, i suppose i was wandering around on my own for whatever reason… faintly heard a young boy calling for help… i looked all around.. i was in a semi spread-out/new neighborhood… i finally spotted the boy in a tree… he was hanging on a branch by both his hands.. actually, though, he wasn’t far from the ground.. but i ran over… now i’m fuzzy… i think he jumped down.. but the result and reaction that follows suggests that he fell or was otherwise hurt/upset… he had been calling for help so loud and urgently… maybe that’s why i was surprised to glance over at his house, just a couple meters from the tree, and see his mother (and sister)? through the (porch?) window.. just sitting, doing their own thing, as if nothing were happening outside. they weren’t closed windows, btw… maybe with a screen on them or something. anyway, i guess my resulting impression of australia was that it’s a comparitively laid-back place.
something about dogs/puppies… spaniels, seemingly..
intention to move over there, so i guess we were scouting the area…
ended with a supermarket and my mother was there and she ended talking with this young woman, i guess about my age or thereabout.. who had a very young baby.. my mother asker the girl if she was the mother of the baby.. i didn’t hear the response..ultimately my impression was that she was… but my mom called over to me, and asked me, “are you good with babies?” or something.. i guess we decided affirmative… apparently the baby needed burping and i guess they had been unsuccessful.. i guess.. the baby was cute.. fragile… i took her and held her.. i’ve never burped a baby.. wasn’t sure at what pace to pat the baby’s back.. did it quite lightly..i guess i did it right… gave him/her.. her, i think.. back to her mother… it was an interesting experience.
i think i’m either trying to make up for all the entries i’ve not written in the past many months/years… or i’m trying to cram a whole bunch in so i may feel excused from all the entries i’ll not write in the future.
parents are watching west wing. without me. they skipped me two eps already, so i’m skipping them now. <sigh> what a good show. i’ll rewatch the dvd set sometime; it was his show to begin with, after all. and then there’s two seasons of alias to watch, and four or five-and-a-half seasons of la femme nikita… and i want to get the a will of their own dvd.. oh, and there’s the shogun series.. and…. maybe indiana jones set, and i’d like to watch/rewatch the whole set of the practice at some point. oh, and scrubs is pretty necessary. what am i missing..? i think that’s most of it. enough to keep me busy for a few years anyway. speaking of which, the ‘by 2007’ list is overdue for review. maybe tomrorow?
i overheat my comp so much and often. poor babybb.
almost done with papers. thank goodnessness. still a bit more to do than i’d like, but there’s an end to all of it. bloody good then.
currently listening to: Yannick – Ces Soir�es La (cover on December 1963 (Oh, What a Night!))
but been listening to: O-Town – From The Damage
“..streaming voices likes a hurricane..they’re telling me to wake up; get out of bed; put your feet on the floor—there’s fresh air out the door.
i’m ready; i’m willing to do anything to make it up to you… ‘wishing that i could have known: you just can’t walk away from the damage.
my eyes may as well be blind if i just can’t see you. my hands may as well be tied if i just can’t touch you..
before the smoke can really clear away from fires i started yesterday, i know i’ve got to find away..somehow..to wake up from the damage.”
O-Town – From The Damage
Frou Frou – Hear Me Out
Celine Dion – If You Ask Me To
Ginny Owens – If You Want Me To
Kelly Clarkson – The Trouble With Love Is
Sugababes – Too Lost In You
Massive Attack – Teardrop
i lied. i’m updating. okay, so where are we…. a whole new year all over again. january 12..monday…
went into d.c. today to interview with gratis internet where eddie works.. was a pleasant interview.. i felt a bit off, but that’s okay… i thought i was going to be super late, but a change of route got me there on time. i also expected to be really cold on the walk over from the metro stop (i’m not the biggest fan of being cold.. and i’ve not had to contend too much with the outdoors lately) but as it turned out, especially on the after-walk to dupont cir., i wanted to take my jacket off. i had planned for a lunch date, but it then turned out that my dad was heading home earlier than usual, so i had time for barely a hug before catching the metro home with my dad.
lots of last-minute changing plans all along the way… fair enough.. as long as always prepared for things to turn out a bit differently, whether to get you to the same place you intended to go or to someplace new entirely… be ready to work with the change and the change will work out for goodness, rather than frustration and stress.
the people working on the outside steps thing have been here til morning… i wonder what’s for dinner.
chinese new year is in..the weekend after this…
i am currently in the midst of finishing up all my antioch stuff, so i can be considered by the rest of the world to be done with school and ready for everything else. papers and papers and self-evaluations and missing time doing the one thing i really want to be doing..
i also sukoshi updated the aim profile site thing.. that one’s prolly more fun by this one by a long shot, but i kinda like this xanganess too. kind of pulls me on where to write my thoughts tho… on the ‘thoughts’ section of the aim site, or on this xanga site? <strong>shrug</strong>
before writing this entry, i spent some moments considering this morning whether i would rather invest my time in creating my own blog site, hosted by my own space and name and via my own engine or something more personal… i guess i’ve more or less decided that all of that is simply not necessary.. and certainly not today. i’ll get back to my web projects sooner or later..
ultimately, everything will happen as it should. kind of. sometimes. maybe i take that back. ultimately, everything happens. yes. more or less. i’ll let that go as that. risky business, making (de)finite statements.
i’ve work to do.
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