05 October 2004 Tuesday

There we are

I really wanted to write a bit last night, but i couldn’t get the password and i to agree with each other. ay. well, better late than never, ish. So Alberto wrote a nice bit about how free i am now and the excellence and happiness and relaxation of that. first of all, i don’t really know how to be really carefree. tried it once in college. can’t recall it before and can’t recall it afterward. and that particular stint ended badly, of course. that’s a bit beside the point tho. right now? i can’t feel carefree. i can’t feel really free, either. i’m not in a bad place or a bad time, and i’m not any place i really don’t want to be nor doing anything i really don’t want to be doing… but i’m also not really where i want to be or doing what i really want to be doing. and what is that? well… offhandedly, the answer is that’s largely what this time is for…for me to figure that out a bit.. the not quite so offhanded answer is that .. i imagine i do have an idea of when i’ll feel freeish or comfortable or all those imaginedly satisfactory feelings that i’m obviously gearing to be on track toward…

look, there’s stuff hanging over my head and there’s stuff hanging around me and until i can really come to arms and lay it all down or lay it all dead, i won’t ever really feel moved on. i’ll get to it, and it’ll be good… i’ve just been really slow about it.

weather’s been really nice these last few days. it’s been good to have mom home.. it will be nice to go for a walk with my dad… mom’s been asking me just about every day whether or not this is the day i’m going to go “put my name” in places for a new job. … no. it’s not. i fully don’t intend to even begin thinking about a new job in any really near/foreseeable sunrise. if something worthwhile finds me, that’s one thing… but as of now i am very much NOT in the market for a new job. my old job really wasn’t bad. i didn’t leave it for the sake of getting a new job. i left my job for the sake of leaving my job. pretty much.

and about me taking up the guitar … i remember trying that once i got to Antioch… it was very very happiness but it required a single dorm room in which a bed took up nearly all the space and i could do everything from it: chatting online, watching downloaded movies, eating snacks, opening up websites with java-tuners from which to tune the guitar, and of course pulling the guitar up onto my lap, amidst blankets and pillows, and doing my best with it. i really liked my guitar.and playing it was really quite nice—the experience..not the sounds coming from my guitar. but, i rap. isn’t that enough for you?