i find myself perpetually patronizing the pieces of my life… those pieces that i am not interested in keeping, but have been slotted in my path for color, i suppose. and then it rains… before or after i miss the sun that i know is promised to me. how lonely is a star? so far from other vibrant orbs, so surrounded by big rocks…that are so comparably small, but eat so much light. but if i can still hear my voice, then the mood of my scenes are bound to my themes… and my music always moves me.
It’s not important till she cries; it’s not serious till she’s gone.
You’ll have all the time to wonder why you left her alone so long.
What made you believe she’d be safe away from your arms?
That she’d believe you’d never let her go, when you already have?
You’d kiss her now, you’d come for her now; say anything to make her believe you again.
Were you lost at sea? She lived without you, alone on land…your love for her found drying on the shore…
You complained the sand would scrape you… ‘doesn’t matter anymore.
You won’t find her in the clouds or a castle made of sand..
You were too long lost at sea and left her lost on land.
One more promise for you to make; demand her heart for you to break..
What would you give her when she has nothing left for you to take?
She looked so lovely upon a pillowed heart of open sores..
But the magic leaves with her—gone to her new castle with nightingale floors.
okay then, here it is… thailand is certainly one of the most incredible countries in the world… bangkok will always have a home in my heart…and i will always feel somehow at home there, no matter how foreign we are to each other… i guess we’re not, so much…foreign, that is… and here… the tulips are up, the green is out, the sky is blue and washed lightly in clean white clouds… i just wish i had a bit more time in one home at a time…and by my own terms… about marriage, i think i’ve figured it out, more or less… largely with the last most of it leaving up to see what happens… my brother got bigger… my room’s still a clutter. love is so… incredible… at the same time, it makes me very skeptical of those who believe they are in love, or are the subject of love… as i know of very few cases where it is really, truly true… i don’t know about letting go… that’s a whole nother journey… why has winamp not developed a true working plugin for accepting thai song titles? and why is it so cold here? you babies whining about the “heat” last week… which would have been a calming coolfront by bangkok standards, i’ll bet… and here, the windows are much open all over my house because my family’s crazy and it’s COLD. grbrrr. i’m about to say that i feel like eating icecream…but the problem with icecream…right now particularly…is that it’s cold…and that helps my current situation not at all. why are there so few real counselors in the world? i know there are millions of wannabes. and quite a few with good heads…but not that ability to connect…. or good heads, but quite… inappropriate to handle someone else in a delicate manner. and i haven’t thoroughly thought this one through yet, but i think i will start on it… at least mildly… what’s the general toss up of late? mmm..i’ll get back on that point… i guess there isn’t at the moment…at the top of my head… but there’s always something… give me a lil while off the jet lag and some icecream in my belly and a lil more love around me… oh, btw, i put on more weight while i was in bangkok. humph. spicy food doesn’t upset me as much now either… i guess that’s good… i’m gonna miss thailand, while i’m away… the treatment’s quite different too…for me, anyway… can you believe they all tell me i’m so sweet and proper and nice and….quiet…. ;)
who you would walk with to the end of the earth… even when you know you’ll be walking back alone.
not every thought, is the world deserving of. too many will always be kept secret… because the mind is the only place where many are willing to be most honest, and share the most of themselves. i guess that’s …a bit wonderful… but it makes me feel quite sad…
Your voice would fill my heart with promises
And we could keep them together
so many people crying
and many people trying
so what am I supposed to do?
I can cry too, I can try too,
And I can be true…
how does anyone stay awake all through one (work) day?? absurdity. and then there’s the cold outside…and often inside as well… i gape at the monotone-ness of it all. and no, that’s not a word misuse. monotony is mother’s lectures. the work everyday and the cold everyday is monotone-ness.
i have so many responsibilities that seem to me are all only to fulfill someone else’s requirements and quotas… i don’t feel…responsible to myself for any of them… i just feel obligated, and i don’t like it. many many years from now, society will have grown up a bit more, and they’ll remember the absurd history of organized education as such…the perfunctory (there’s a correct word but i couldn’t think of it) structure… i expect i will be one of them who will marvel that i survived such a bizarre abuse and squander of my life, to still become the great that i intend to be despite the boring chores that are hurled at me now. on a similar note, as of late, people, in general, and individually, are very disappointing. i always remember that they have their moments when they are thoroughly heartening, but… my patience is thin right now and humanity isn’t compensating. maybe the problem is i’ve run out of cookies.
surely this is what life is. the brief moments…the little realizations…the small things learned…or remembered. what could be more reliable? more comforting than the erraticacy of thought… the precision of observation and the controversy of definition… this is the place that has chosen me; this is the life that i carry and puzzle over, basking in each found glory of each new moment, each old truth learned. and in the moments that simply pass, without event… i revel in that too… my greediness seems only to earn me more… the center of life and infinity is owned by perception of perpetuity… i can almost see it beginning again…
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