i absolutely should not have been up this late tonight..
i’m not sure exactly.. well, it’s a confluence of things at this point.. i suppose it usually is..
my tummy’s getting hungry.. i skipped dinner. i’m looking forward to cheerios with fresh strawberries and milk in the morning.
tomorrow we’re going to the Thai temple to celebrate Songkrahn.
i’ve been feeling lonely. it’s an emotional / mental thing rather than anything physical or real. i’m not without people who would care about me, or keep me company, or whathaveyou. i just.. well, i guess at least some of it stems from extended self-isolation. but i don’t think that’s even so much it lately.. now it’s .. oh who (knows / cares / something). *shrug* i’m not feeling particular motivation to figure it all out. mm.. and that’s probably got a whole very much to do with it.
goodnight.
i played one game of tetrinet yesterday (a game I adored, and haven’t played in ..two-three years?) with old friends i haven’t seen in… almost two years? it was happy all around. ‘though there were people missing.
been thinking lots of things lately and today.
i think my not feeling well-ness recently has been—at least partially—a fair amount of (extra+?) stress. —but that doesn’t have so much to do with the thinking things lately, actually. things i’ll note, very briefly:
i really do like (especially green, lately) seedless grapes.
people are not equal. they’re just not. one of the best ways i think we deal with this, is that some of us choose to believe that every person is born into their respective lives very purposefully. the child with abusive parents, the old man who dies without family or caring friends, the woman enslaved to entertain others through her torture-wrenched pain. circumstances. but deliberate circumstances, if you believe in karma, or predetermination. but human beings are not each born equal to each other. and do not lead equally painful / carefree / comfortable / humiliating / educating / heart-aching / etc.etc.etc. lives.
today i came across the statement that “the world is dying.”
for some reason, maybe the timing in my life, or in my day, or whatever less reasonable reasons, the sentiment irked me. the actual feeling it evoked from me was.. i guess a mixture of disdain and offendedness. “the world is dying”?? there are some terrible terrible things going on in the world. the environment is not being treated very sustainably. and the humaneness of humanity (humanity of humanity) certainly is a questionable thing —but that has been true on one level or another throughout our known history of “sentience” on this planet. when i was younger, maybe seven years old or so, i was constantly being told that someone i knew wasn’t well, and was dying. some 15 years later, they’re as wrong about it as i always felt they were. but you can encourage death by insisting that it’s there. something like how you can make a ghost real through thinking about it. the thing is (back to this planet dying stuff), this world isn’t dying. look at that sun! the other day’s rain! my mother smiling at me when i came home! my brother singing in the shower, my computer connected to millions of computers around the world, people reading and writing books and painting and singing and running and picking flowers and stepping on insects and hunting deer and driving high-emission vehicles and shooting men and enhancing nuclear weapons and… is that what everyone’s talking about? is that the “planet is dying” stuff they insist on? i understand the sentiment. i’ve expressed it before. the thing is, the planet isn’t dying. we’re certainly making things much worse for ourselves than they could be/would be/should be, but to say that the planet is dying… for whatever reason, again, that upsets me today. the planet could be blown to bits at any moment, yes. but so could you. are you dying? maybe. we’re always getting older. and as far as i know, we haven’t yet figured an alternative to morality. so we’re all going to die. but i think i would be unhappy/offended to hear someone tell me that i am dying. it implies a lack of hope to me. and a discardation/disregard for all the life that does exist. (probably didn’t help my outlook on any of it that the statement was made in religious context: “Only one who has risen can save a world that is dying.” grrrrrr. so much for appreciation and faith in humanity. i ask you, is that grateful? all that glitters is not glory. that’s my general thought on that. i’d write more, but more or less of my point is out (however poorly-formed and -written). and when am i going to get my nap in, today?
...why don’t you get up, and rise again for me? what if the world were a little more perfect? would you open your eyes, and blink again for me?”
~Maren Ord.
another song that’s found a home in me: ‘Lifehouse’ –
Take Me Away—(acoustic version)—has been running through my head and lips through today.
“this time, all i want is you… i try to make my way to you, but still i feel so lost.. i’ve seen it all and it’s never enough.. it keeps leaving me needing you”
i’m glad the sun came out today.
8:38am ~ well, at least it isn’t Monday anymore.
Today is Songkrahn—the Thai New Year. ..or rather, the evening of, and ending. heh. water festival there, rainness here. the appropriateness / coincidentality is not that impressive, actually.
~~
9:49am~ okay yea. i’m certainly not less tired today than i was yesterday.
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11:30am~ holy rain outside.
11:58am~ gosh. every now and then, the steady rainfall gets pumped with a sudden assaultive wash from the sky. as if it became bored of being simply wet and decided to bellow down at whoever ordered this rain in the first place. an awesome and beautiful sound and scene, since it’s outside—and then i remember, and realize the sakura blossoms will surely all have been grounded today. ..like so many earthworms that crawled my driveway this morning, directionless.. and i, with apology and no hesitation, drove them over as i went my way. and the sound and rain fade, and leave puddles in the day.
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1:56pm~ interesting, and sad on both sides, that vertical viewing of text is the one feature that microsoft internet explorer can do, and all the other otherwise superior browsers, simply can’t/don’t. so sad. I like the feature, where i’m currently uisng it at a remote location to nicely place text vertically agains the side-edge of a graphic. I don’t want to change it to an image, but viewed in any browser but ie, it shows horizontally, and screws up my whole simple layout scheme.
well, it’s a slightly brighter shade of grey outside now, anyway.
very hungry today. and tired/sleepy. and particularly uninterested in all this work stuff.
’not much to say right now. last night was an interesting bunch of things to consider before sleep. i was really tired. i was falling asleep a lot toward the end. would wake up again momentarily.. easily slipped back, though.
i am a pre-emptor. i figure that’s consistent with my inclination to place intent over action. it more or less reasonably is very confusing for others, though, who generally probably aren’t in the habit of predicting or interpreting one’s as-yet-unhappened actions or intentions. i can also be a generally very indignant person. this combined with the other probably contributes to, or at least certainly compounds my general belligerency. well, i’m actually not a particularly belligerent person. but i tend to be quick to indignantly challenge, whether out of vanity or curiosity or preemptive indignance at another’s impropriety, or maybe a fair degree of boredom. can’t fairly accuse me too much of being boring. in reason, i’ll add a contradiction on difficultness: i can be very difficult. but i’m pretty simply managed. <strong>shrug</strong> i never thought it should be so hard for people to figure out.. but then, most people are just people. a lil sad sometimes, but true. and necessary. notice the rambling? i’m pretty sure i began with something more worth saying. well, interpret what you may. i should restock on chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. maybe we can have pizza for dinner tonight. oh. still have omelettes to make. maybe this afternoon. sukoshi odd.
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as far as imagining and thinking out inplausible scenarios go, ...well, i’m offhandedly not a squeamish person. considering theoretical situations or listening to someone interpret they’re likely reactions to an unlikely situation, gives me insight and understanding into them (and people/the world/myself), though it may be based largely on their interpretations of themself, more than anything they would actually do in actuality.
~~
okay. down with the analytical mood. i’d guess a lot of it is just trying to scatter bored excuses for myself. whatever that really means. cheese and crackers would be so good right now. so good.
~~
i’m told i’m quiet today. well, i’m.. i’m a bit tired still. and i’m very hungry. she’s gone to grab lunch for herself and will return with a twix bar or two for me. <strong>happy</strong> and a reasonable amount of not-too-much time is left for my work day. should really be productive when i get home. even if it’s murky and so rainy outside and i just think the world therefore owes me a nap. when am i ever going to get to read Kingdom Come? let alone Grapes of Wrath which i’ve still rarely/barely opened.
you know, a hundred lifetimes wouldn’t be enough.
...but they’d be 99 more than i have right now. and that’s something.
but then… this lifetime is one more than i might have had.
and that’s really very something too. i’d venture.. that’s something even much more.
~~
she forgot my twix bar :-/
i’ll live. in an increasingly better mood now, i think… must compensate/combat outside grey!
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Thai’ new year this weekend.. april’s going by quite quickly.
~~
’arrowsaround’ .. ’almostanarrow’
....one could be misconceived—or more personally interpreted.
~~
home time! :)
...one way or another.
home from a quick through ocean city and williamsburg the past few days with my family. and my sleep schedule has been a bit thrown, as a result.. i don’t know… so many things circling.. so many things pending, or necessarily postponing.. or have been terribly unnecessarily so and will have to be addressed/answered for … hmm.. ’answered for’... poignant connotations (’poignant’ has long been a favorite word of mine.. i want to apologize, sukoshi, for having lately been using it so much… yet, it says what i mean, and i mean to say it, as it does.) —i was saying.. the phrase/idea ’answered for’/’to answer for’... = poignant. implies many -<del>okay that’s it, what’s a synonym for ’poignant’ ...alright, yea.. that didn’t help so much. yucky. okay…—it implies many particularly notable things: guilt, an authoritative figure or someone to whom one is responsible to… perhaps also a coercion from one side or the other-or from an external source altogether. well, stike the external source thing. because if the external source is coercing one to answer to some other thing, then the other thing is the external, and the coercer is the authoritative figure. hm. actually, both can be the authoritative figure. or greater/godly figure. you know, ... offhandedly, i tend to see God as a sort of innocent bystander… sort of… kind of like… a serene statue of a buddha, sitting cross-legged under a roof of shining decorations, long visited and covered in gold-leaf. and when you visit in sorrow or in hope, or for guidance/ penance/ whathaveyou, it is not the buddha who has compelled you to visit and to kneel prostrate before it. it is the words that you read or were read to you, or the urging of the monks/ priests/ missionaries/ evangelists/ etc.etc. so you answer to who? who are you responsible to? but who is commanding you so? and the buddha continues to sit and meditate, as people come and go.
everything comes and goes.
like today.
last night i got the core front page down from 17kb to 13kb, and the stylesheet from 8kb to 5kb. today i got the individual core archive pages down from 19kb to 15kb. i’ll get to fixing the monthly archive pages soon. enough of this for now, though. *reasonably satisfied* and today’s 04/04/04. 
—…[elapsed time]…— okay. core monthly archive pages went from 17kb to 12kb.
…i guess that does more or less convey the point.
doesn’t really seem like a friday. i’m glad it is, though.
today’s oh-four/oh-two/two-oh-oh-four. it’s fun having days like that. i’m looking toward 04/04/04 on sunday. one day it’ll be 1/3/13. i’ll like that. too bad i don’t expect to see 9/7/(20)81. that would be really fun. hey.. actually, i could see that day. maybe. well, we’ll see. that would be fun. :)
.. my head’s pretty full about now. it’s not necessarily all over the place.. too consciously.. mellow solemn.
i’m not sure how i really feel about the new image on the far left. it’s the second draft of a such design. i like it, but still too busy, i thought. but the more it’s there, the more i’m getting used to it. but my first instinct was probably right.. i hadn’t planned on it being so busy. it’s there kind of a necessary aesthetic piece to complement functionality that is probably not noticeable. pretty, but does it work? i do most definitley intend to use something different on the individual entry/other archive pages. that’s why that piece of design was necessary in the first place. … oh. i’m actually not certain now. i’m totally getting used to it being on the other pages too. more so than the front page. but then what happens to the design on ‘siteography‘? leave it more or less as is, or tie it all together more? i’d kinda like it. but it seems bold now compared to the other design and certainly blockier. but.. that had been the intent. <sigh> i don’t know. i wish all of it mattered a bit more. well, i’m glad i have it. i’m glad i’d rather wallow in this than in television or eating or something. no i’m not that depressed. like i said, it’s simply a grey day. in several ways.
one thing i’d rather not have to decide for myself: the line of text at the bottom of each entry —(~alicson | 01:13 am | 313 words )— .. should i leave it centered as is, or put it back to left-justified like it was in the beginning? if i have to decide, of course i will. later.
i don’t like all this unhappiness thing. more than all, i don’t like being responsible for it. simultaneously, though, i know that i’ll more or less feel/think these things, whether i’m talking about it/sharing/involving outside myself or not. and i’m inclined to believe that the ‘not’ is the less preferable of the two, even if it’s the less ‘blissful’. the term ‘blissful’ is generally associated with the words ‘euphoria’ and ‘ignorance’. i’d rather forgo --there isn’t an ‘e’ in there, is there? well, clearly my first guess is no. funny-looking word, though.-- .. i was saying, i would rather forgo euphoria than revel in ignorance. that’s what a lot of this is about. the conflict, anyway. there was never too much ignorance all along the way, for me to start pretending it now. i think it. i feel it. not hugely useful to pretend otherwise. if it didn’t so affect other people, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. but it does, and it is. my thoughts in my head, lacking action or independent consequence—so affecting else. so painful to one i’d rather not ever bring pain. but there it is. i was asked ‘how can i help/make things better?’ and the situation is that i must ask the same. what is realistically possible? if neither knows how to turn off the point of issue. the point of issue is not a person, or a thing, it’s a state of mind. that’s considerably more … complex, wouldn’t you think?
i just came across, and highly recommend: notpretty.com
not pretty. but beautifully poignant and poignantly beautiful.
… —[elapsed time ~20 minutes]— … holy heck i like that site. i like that person. a whole much.
i shouldn’t check my email so much when i’m at work. it’s a bit sad. i’m hungry. daddy’s sandwich time.
daddy likes to put relish and lots of mayo and mustard and randomnesses. oy. but he makes me sandwiches. i’m keeping him forever.
people are scattered to lunch. so i’m back on here for a bit. it’s raining (still/again) outside.
having been replying to emails, and (especially) having emails to reply to in the first place, much of the compression that fuels me pouring into this page/posts is sukoshi dissipated.
it’s fun to see/hear the guys around here banter with each other. three guys here especially are so excellent in general. and another two have such a nice bond. i like it.
i want to paste emails here. and all number of excerpts from various sources. some relating to this post/mood/day, and the rest a perpetual compellation (if that’s not a real word, then i’m extra-pleased with myself anyway).
some of the reason why notpretty.com and sites like it are strikingly honest and excellent in that way, is because they can be. the things they talk about (in general) are not (anymore) close to them; they don’t live with the family they refer to, and they’re no longer with the significant other to whom they refer (or they don’t operate on the total dedication and trust thing, which makes personal/exclusive/selfish honesty a lot more doable). i love that they can do that. i love that they do that. (side note: i’m referring strictly to content at this point, and not to writing style. some of the writing styles and abilities out there are breathtaking to me. i love it love it love it love them love life love it.) —i just understand that i probably won’t ever really do that. and in their ways, i love my reasons why as well.
i just remembered: my dream last night was pretty twisted. but i don’t remember anything about it 
almost time for home-going.
hey, alba’s sposed to come home this month. that was a thoroughly logical conjunction, too. at any rate.. the rain’s still heavy now.. heavier, actually, than it was earlier.. and the sun is nothing but a bit of magic that makes a certainly midnight-black sky insist on glowing a beautiful dim blue. i wish we had firm, plump (white/green?) seedless grapes in this house. today. all day. hm. how many ways can i not do the work i intend to do. i’ll bet there’s tons of things i haven’t thought of! wait, wait… give me time. i’ll get ‘em. oh i’ll get them. *does a silly dance in the chair, 
cuz i’m feeling silly* 
![iching: Fêng - Abundance [Fullness]](https://ferrydust.com/images/21.gif){kind=small}