6:11am~
i am so tired today. oy.
yesterday was nice enough. beautiful weather. essential company. all mostly reasonable things.
i forgot how hot my room can get.. it’s all that altitude..
and the basement is going to be a welcomed-back friend.
i hear that if your brain doesn’t get enough water, it gets sleepy. or your whole self gets sleepy, anyway.
i dunno. i’m sleepy/tired.. but i even feel lazy to drink my water that i have here with me.
i understand that work is a necessary function of society/life
but this can’t really be very much way to spend one’s limited days.
not for me, anyway.
but means to an end.
imposition and justification.. most things seem to be fine and well as long as they do not affect others. but to affect others in a way unpleasant to them is widely viewed as wrong.
would isolation satisfy others? no.. that would be selfish and insociable and inhuman and wrong, as well. to not be, is not acceptable. to not be nice, is not acceptable. must be nice, to be accepted. or so powerful that outlook upon you is only of pathetic and suggestive consequence. okay, so.. be nice or be powerful. this is all toward efficiency and idealism, btw. cuz of course you can be of average stock and be not nice. but since there would be that backlash since it is unacceptable social behavior, that’s simply not going to be a very ideal lifestyle for one who wants any sort of an ideal… mm. then we get to the concept of ideals. and an individuals’ personal ideals versus society’s. in fact, of course, a person’s morals and goals as well.
right of an outsider to go and impose their own ideals and methods and expectations on others.
but that’s humanity, right? struggle to be bigger, stronger, better, and to impact as many/much as possible. make them like yourself, or make them like you’d like.
~7:32am
soooo sleepy.
8:12am~
seriously. this energy being expended on keeping my eyes open makes it difficult to find energy for anything else (e.g. work).
and what i’m doing at work isn’t so terribly tiring at all…
and while i didn’t sleep early last night, it was certainly earlier than usual.
..though i did have to get up a bit earlier than usual, also…
but i guess what it is, is all the accumulated nights of not very much sleeping, for whatever reasons.
i need back those evenings, not long ago, when i would stop whatever i was doing to say, “screw it all; i’m going to bed. life and all this stuff will still be there tomorow.” yes. i must have those nights again.
8:43am~
lucky those who are staying in bed today. that’s where i belong, too.
‘guess there’s not much urgency to check my email today, then.
10:55am~
at least i’m more awake now. Also making progress formulating how to transfer / integrate aim profile site here.
11:41am~
said the rabbit to the bumblebee: “you can’t you can’t you can’t catch me!”
i played one game of tetrinet yesterday (a game I adored, and haven’t played in ..two-three years?) with old friends i haven’t seen in… almost two years? it was happy all around. ‘though there were people missing.
been thinking lots of things lately and today.
i think my not feeling well-ness recently has been—at least partially—a fair amount of (extra+?) stress. —but that doesn’t have so much to do with the thinking things lately, actually. things i’ll note, very briefly:
i really do like (especially green, lately) seedless grapes.
people are not equal. they’re just not. one of the best ways i think we deal with this, is that some of us choose to believe that every person is born into their respective lives very purposefully. the child with abusive parents, the old man who dies without family or caring friends, the woman enslaved to entertain others through her torture-wrenched pain. circumstances. but deliberate circumstances, if you believe in karma, or predetermination. but human beings are not each born equal to each other. and do not lead equally painful / carefree / comfortable / humiliating / educating / heart-aching / etc.etc.etc. lives.
today i came across the statement that “the world is dying.”
for some reason, maybe the timing in my life, or in my day, or whatever less reasonable reasons, the sentiment irked me. the actual feeling it evoked from me was.. i guess a mixture of disdain and offendedness. “the world is dying”?? there are some terrible terrible things going on in the world. the environment is not being treated very sustainably. and the humaneness of humanity (humanity of humanity) certainly is a questionable thing —but that has been true on one level or another throughout our known history of “sentience” on this planet. when i was younger, maybe seven years old or so, i was constantly being told that someone i knew wasn’t well, and was dying. some 15 years later, they’re as wrong about it as i always felt they were. but you can encourage death by insisting that it’s there. something like how you can make a ghost real through thinking about it. the thing is (back to this planet dying stuff), this world isn’t dying. look at that sun! the other day’s rain! my mother smiling at me when i came home! my brother singing in the shower, my computer connected to millions of computers around the world, people reading and writing books and painting and singing and running and picking flowers and stepping on insects and hunting deer and driving high-emission vehicles and shooting men and enhancing nuclear weapons and… is that what everyone’s talking about? is that the “planet is dying” stuff they insist on? i understand the sentiment. i’ve expressed it before. the thing is, the planet isn’t dying. we’re certainly making things much worse for ourselves than they could be/would be/should be, but to say that the planet is dying… for whatever reason, again, that upsets me today. the planet could be blown to bits at any moment, yes. but so could you. are you dying? maybe. we’re always getting older. and as far as i know, we haven’t yet figured an alternative to morality. so we’re all going to die. but i think i would be unhappy/offended to hear someone tell me that i am dying. it implies a lack of hope to me. and a discardation/disregard for all the life that does exist. (probably didn’t help my outlook on any of it that the statement was made in religious context: “Only one who has risen can save a world that is dying.” grrrrrr. so much for appreciation and faith in humanity. i ask you, is that grateful? all that glitters is not glory. that’s my general thought on that. i’d write more, but more or less of my point is out (however poorly-formed and -written). and when am i going to get my nap in, today?
word choices really are important.. the nuances of difference in meaning/tone of each word, whether due to definition, or current/cultural interpretation, or other unique/personal imprint,.. semantics and poetry.. all with intention to convey an idea or feeling, or to impose one or the other (or others) upon others. and varying vocabularies, and especially varying contexts, and even sometimes fleeting moods, all affect the message. fundamentally it’s all simply about communication. a comma or alliteration shouldn’t make much difference when it comes to communicating a point.. but it can make every difference of importance significance.
slated in
mused at 2:40 pm
recent article/post i read online a few days ago, called, “How Could You.” — first-person story of a loyal, loving dog who ultimately is abandoned/ discarded/ betrayed. i realized just now that it speaks to how i feel i treated someone who was never, ever anything less to me than the best friend i could ever hope for; best friend anyone could know, and one of the best people i’ll ever know. but then there was someone else, and timing and circumstance.. i’ve lost that best friend, and i didn’t do it very nicely. choices are such: that they being good or bad choices, does not directly correlate to a good or bad result. my choices, i maintain, were fundamentally correct. but not necessarily good. and much of the result definitely is not good. but even the ‘bad’ that has come of it was reasonably considered. i made the choice/s for myself, and for him. he trusted me once.. i know he probably cannot (still) trust that my choices were reasonable, and most livable.. but i think ultimately, i am the one who really must live with that. i feel near all the apologies of the world, but regret is something i’ll continue to choose to not afford. i have to trust now, that i am as right as i trusted myself to be then.
— note: no notes of consternation or doubt or “poignant sadness” refer to the other half of the choice i made. as much as it is possible, that is an independent consideration of this one, —
ultimately, my sadness — the real, poignant and heart of my sadness on this whole matter, is the same as it was three years ago: that one day this choice would present itself to me in some form or other, and i would make it, and be sorry for my wake.
there it was, and there it is.
and i’m still sorry.
slated in
mused at 11:33 pm
yea… it’s kinda sad when… well, when the one person i would talk to isn’t there to talk to, because he’s turned up unexpectedly (but not very unsurprisingly) at a bar (‘but it’s not a bar, persay’)… and i’m not really permitted to talk with the person i’m inclined to talk with… and other people are mostly not really talk-worthy, and otherwise, not close enough, etc…. *shrug* so what’s left then? tapping the keys on my keyboard and not typing anything. this is silly. i may as well go to bed now.
i’m not sure what i’m feeling… i totally killed his mood. i’m kind of sincerely sorry about that, and kind of seriously not sorry about it much at all. maybe this time it wasn’t terribly bad, in terms of work-responsibility, but if the habit/inclination keeps up, it could soon very much be. and it’s been several hours. and there’s a reason i wasn’t contacted. i don’t need to be checked in with every two minutes and i don’t need to know exact whereabouts and activities all the time. but i do know when i feel like i should have been talked to, and i know when there’s a reason i wasn’t.
i know i’ve been the cause of a very unhappy last-night, and probably an uncomfortable today. well it’s been just peachy for me, thank you. even now i’m trying to do what hopefully turns out to be as right as possible and have everything work out better, sooner, for the most important people, as well as possible. love has casualties. and sacrifices. sometimes they’re the same thing. i don’t know what my mood is now. i’m feeling tired. annoyed. sad.
again, i may as well go to bed now… anyway, may be good to get a head start on the sleeping, especially since i’ll probably have to be up later.
and it’s times like this when i feel most lonely and wish i could just lay in bed or sit in my chair and really talk with someone.
and it’s times like this when that is least possible of all.
slated in
mused at 7:25 pm
Memnoch the Devil excerpts (there have been so many more i have wanted to take and share from this book):
where God, in human form (Jesus) speaks with the Devil, Memnoch, on Earth:
in response to God’s acceptance/sanctification of suffering and bloody sacrifice on altars to God, Memnoch says:
”’Yes, but that’s because you never interfered to stop it, you let it happen, you let this humankind evolve and they looked back in horror on their animal ancestors, they beheld their mortality, and they seek to propitiate a god who has abandoned them to all this. Lord, they look for meaning, but they find none in this. none.’
‘Lord, they chose these rituals which involve suffering because they cannot avoid suffering in the Natural World. The natural world is what must be overcome! Why must anyone suffer what humans suffer? Lord, their souls come to Sheol [—the land of souls.. not of Earth and not of Heaven,] distorted, twisted by pain, black as cinders from the heat of loss and misery and violence which they have witnessed. Suffering is evil in this world. Suffering is decay and death. It’s terrible. Lord, You can’t believe that to suffer like this would do any good to anyone. This suffering, this unspeakable capacity to bleed and to know pain and to know annihilation, is what has to be overcome in this world if anyone is to reach God!’’
He considered this a long time and then He shook His head sadly. ‘Memnoch, you are the one who has failed to understand. When is human closest to God than when they suffer for the love of another, when they die so that another might live, when they plunge towards certain death for the protection of those they leave behind or those truths about Life which Creation has taught them?’
‘But the world doesn’t need all that, Lord! No, no, no. It doesn’t need the blood, the suffering, the war. That wasn’t what taught Humans to love! Animals already did all that bloody, horrible catastrophe to one another. What taught Humans was the warmth and affection of another, the love for a child, the love in a mate’s arms, the capacity to understand another’s suffering and watnt to protect that other, to rise above savagery into the formation of family and clan and tribe that would mean peace and security for all!’ (p. 336)” ‘
and many more.
slated in
mused at 12:43 pm
assuming: to experience/to be in Heaven is contentment
defining: contement is the absence of restlessness; the absence of striving/yearning.
contentment is peace; complete contentment, in the arms of God, is a feeling of totality..
because God is all, and utterly comforting, and thoroughly satisfying.
then what of loyalty/love/concern/consideration for famly and friends? one’s interests? intentions? concepts and reasons of self-responsibility?
how can any of those exist in Heaven, then?
do we have to be utterly content?
”i’d rather hell with you, than Heaven alone.”
those who choose to sacrifice their passage to heaven, to fulfill their intentions…
... is all they’ve lost is the passage? or have they also chosen to fall out of God’s favor?
is entrance to heaven and God’s favor a hand-in-hand state?
or is Heaven just a place, and God’s love besides. ?
back to the top:
contentment for yourself…
...at disregard for everything else?
slated in
mused at 10:46 am
There is no such thing as right and wrong —
There is no ‘right time’ to do most things —
— “There’s what we do, and there is what we don’t do.”
So then. Without knowing this, we can continue to wait, and hope for things to happen or show us the way on their own… maybe if we’re just patient and pay attention, we’ll act alright when the right time or the right choice comes. and maybe that’s pretty good.
But for those for who “Pretty good isn’t good enough”, hoping against new understanding seems rather unacceptable.
Having noticed the fact that things happen according to our choices and our actions, or, by those same means, happen not at all, then the excuse of ignorance and blind faith/hope for decisions to make themselves for us is reasonably lost.
Also, we’re not patient. If we were, then most of this would hardly matter. We can be patient. We will be, to a fair extent. But patience laid in wait and action laced with patience make all the difference.
“Living is a thing you do, now or never —which do you?” ~Piet Hein
what we do, and what we don’t do…
we do or we don’t…
that’s one choice. one necessary decision/action.
the thing that holds us up, tho, both in making that necessary choice to do or not, and then in following through and making it true or not, is deciding what, precisely, we mean to do (or don’t).
chicken and egg… you decide to, and then figure out exactly what? or figure out exactly what, and then decide to?
if you want to be sure of a successful poultry farm, i’d buy strong stocks of both chickens and eggs.
slated in
mused at 12:51 am
in general, i wonder if time really ever changes anything
people go on with their lives.. they create and find new elements to fill int he place of the old
sometimes
it’s never quite the same
but sometimes it’s okay
anyway, with _.. _ wasn’t new to me
just very much exemplified what already digusted me
but i loved ___ anyway
and was there as best as i could be whenever ___ asked me to be
sometimes it’s okay, i guess
if i knew that all of that… whatever it is.. for whatever reason.. if i know that after all of that, ___ still deserved my love
then maybe it would be okay
i think i’m okay with most everyone else by that..
i guess that could mean i can’t really be okay with ___2 then,
even if i think i am
because i know ___2 doesn’t deserve my love
but maybe ___2 would have, if our paths had not crossed quite as they had. well.. maybe not even then
but with ___, there isn’t much of that question
___ doesn’t and didnt’ deserve it
and of course i’m the silly one
i’m the one who, well
whyt he hell haven’t i gotten over it?
why was i nervous today?
is that discomfort with ___?
with myself?
if it had just been ___? and not someone else whose opinion of me matters to me?
maybe it would have been different
but it was an interesting combination
and somehow
somewhere along the line
i’ve allowed myself to think that maybe i have to be careful
that i’m not queen of every room i walk into
that everyone won’t know/remember who i am and of course never have stopped loving me since they’ve known me
maybe
where and when, then
and i know i could solve this if i were outside looking in
and i know …
you know, i don’t do this anymore
offhandedly, i don’t think i do
the thorough, sudden honesty of myself, with myself…
with anyone….
every now and then, i suppose
but not so much if it’s particularly about me
which makes me consider
if this is really about me
only me, anyway
in all the most important ways ~*~ audience->
i am the same person of five years ago
i trust that i am
i remember parts of me then…
i remember leaving UM..
i remember having a hell of a year over things then
i don’t calm..
not so much
i don’t panic, i don’t falter
but more and more…
i do hesitate
i am composed
but i’m increasingly less willing ot be
i wonder if maybe
i suspect that maybe.. perhaps
knowing ourselves
knowing each other
knowing the truth of the present, and past, and any time and any thing…
sometimes it’s not enough
you know what?
maybe some of those times…
it’s okay.
even if we seem to lose a little
giving in a bit
risking something along the way
or outright giving up a few things
a little bit
. then to just remember
that there’s so much left for ourselves
i’ve been reluctant.. and even unwilling, outright…
to explain myself, more and more, often and lately
to define what i do and what i think
to describe my actions and plans and sometimes my intentions
i think i’m more willing to discuss my intentions
but then
people don’t instinctinvely ask about that
and having enough time to myself with my own
i find so many extra avenues
and it becomes much more complicated
i do that, i don’t i
complicated is something i do pretty easily
believe it or not, i can think simply, too
or at least think things out that way
i can.
it simply requires a self-imposed tunnel vision.
and crossing out of the extraneous
of all the possibilities
and limiting
arbitrarily or dictatedly
just limiting and deciding, and following through.
i can do that.
i was sure i could do that…
anything one can do….
everyone likes to say
either one or the other:
that love is enough
or that it isn’t.
i figure it depends on what you want it for
with a little bit of imagination
and/or tunnel vision
anything can be anything
so is this babbling?
maybe…
i extend that the last few dozen lines have been moving toward it
but i would still call it something more along the lines of a ramble
which began with somewhat of a rant
my body needs much more sleep than it ever seemed to before
and it rarely seems satisfied, anymore, with the amount it gets
story of life, perhaps, when you stop to consider… emotion and passion…. to desire as the root of all evil, right?
whether that’s right or wrong, desire is the root of most everything, in every form
but so many things to desire
and so many components to satisfy
desire to think.. to write.. to type.. to sleep.. to read.. to webdesign.. to clean my room.. to pick up my phone.. to drink water.. to consider myself a while…
compromise on the sleep
i can lay in bed for a bit, at first
i can do another three or four of those things together, then
the other things?
i guess they have to wait
maybe that’s what it is about everything that’s not yet quite in sight
do you think i still believe in myself?
do you think i should?
do you think i could live if i didn’t?
slated in
mused at 12:46 pm
“To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.” ~Jorge Luis Borges
9:20am~ worshipers of god—fulfilling a seemingly desperate human need for infallibility.. for perfection.
Buddha = enlightenment = perfection …
God = omni-omni = perfection …
and blasphemous to consider that God could be fallible.
does Christianity/Catholicsm stipulate that God is perfect? ~*~ lingua->
men are constantly judged (ultimately by God) as “good” or “bad”.. and are universally recognized to be fundamentally, completely, essentially, ultimately imperfect beings.
‘but God can judge us because God is Perfect..’
and ‘God does not make mistakes’.
i would say (in accordance with my belief that God is as fallible as conscious is… and far more so if subject to similar emotions/motivations as man—which i am very skeptical of/interested in).. there ‘are no mistakes’.. there simply is what is and is not.. what happened and didn’t…—by that point, if what is or is not, is contrary to desire/expectation, then it is a mistake.
so further.. presume God to have desires and expectations. if others can do things to disappoint him, then whose mistake? is a choice to trust/gamble/expect falsely/incorrectly not a mistake? perhaps not.. if not, then it is because it just is.
9:40am~ in general, heroes, idols, gods… objects of worship are followed blindly because they are omni-__ ... they can do no wrong.
one can be loved despite/for their imperfections..
but one is worshipped for their perfection.
what about love of God? is he loved through/for his mistakes/vulnerability(ies).? offhandedly, i venture: no. he’s loved for accepting our imperfections (at best intention).
p.s. i got the ‘94 maxima. hereforth dubbed, “bluey”. (and mom wants to steal my license plate(s))
also, my supervisor at work commented today… within minutes of handing me a long assignment..: “And are you done with this yet?—you being you, I thought it was a fair question.” 
![iching: Fêng - Abundance [Fullness]](https://ferrydust.com/images/21.gif){kind=small}