30 March 2004 Tuesday

sorrow sustained. and btw, generally more poignant than sadness.

recent article/post i read online a few days ago, called, “How Could You.” — first-person story of a loyal, loving dog who ultimately is abandoned/ discarded/ betrayed. i realized just now that it speaks to how i feel i treated someone who was never, ever anything less to me than the best friend i could ever hope for; best friend anyone could know, and one of the best people i’ll ever know. but then there was someone else, and timing and circumstance.. i’ve lost that best friend, and i didn’t do it very nicely. choices are such: that they being good or bad choices, does not directly correlate to a good or bad result. my choices, i maintain, were fundamentally correct. but not necessarily good. and much of the result definitely is not good. but even the ‘bad’ that has come of it was reasonably considered. i made the choice/s for myself, and for him. he trusted me once.. i know he probably cannot (still) trust that my choices were reasonable, and most livable.. but i think ultimately, i am the one who really must live with that. i feel near all the apologies of the world, but regret is something i’ll continue to choose to not afford. i have to trust now, that i am as right as i trusted myself to be then.

— note: no notes of consternation or doubt or “poignant sadness” refer to the other half of the choice i made. as much as it is possible, that is an independent consideration of this one, —

ultimately, my sadness — the real, poignant and heart of my sadness on this whole matter, is the same as it was three years ago: that one day this choice would present itself to me in some form or other, and i would make it, and be sorry for my wake.
there it was, and there it is.
and i’m still sorry.

i have a comment

but i’ve forgotten what it was. *sigh*

…

11:13am~ still a.m.!? okay. four hours need to pass right now. and/or someone should show up with a hot rotisseried chicken, and hand it to me with the notice that today is my birthday and i should go home. or something.

passing by (minor rant while i sit at work)

so i’m at work. never mind the coldness today and how reluctant i was to ever get out from under the blankets of my bed. i’m here. more or less quite willing and capable to be very productive and useful. except that ms. person-who-i-generally-answer-to isn’t in today.. nor was she in yesterday, nor will be tomorrow. and everyone’s quite busy, but that doesn’t mean that they can use help…sometimes that’s just not possible. and unless i’m to start looking really bored by neatly aligning the different stacks of papers on everyone’s desks, then i’m not really sure what to do right now. i mean, i finished everything she’d left for me yesterday. i’m waiting for one or two calls back on inquiries from yesterday, and there’s two things i can do on thursday, but..besides that… the people i would be helping right now are either terribly wrapped up in this project they have (for which the database is accessible by only one person at a time), or they’re in and out to meetings and don’t even have time to delegate something to me. and furthermore, i figure, if they haven’t assigned it to me, it’s not very urgent or important.. by that i mean, it would be just as dissatisfying (maybe more so) to me for someone to sit and scratch their head for something for me to do.. and then have me do something menial just to keep me busy. humph. what i think i could be doing right now is the contact list compilation (not at all urgent, but something practical, and which i can do well (better than most) without much trouble at all. what else was i going to say… i’m tired today.. sleepyish.. i don’t like that it’s cold again outside. i’m not even going to start on how i feel about the pending cicada invasion. i’ll likely dedicate a post—or ten—to those ugly bunnies later. you know, if i’d just be slower at the stuff they assigned me to do, then this wouldn’t be a problem. humph. since i’m up, and at a computer/with my notebook and pencil and such, i should totally be making use of myself by accomplishing my own stuff. and not merely jotting small bunches of thoughts at a time to create this post. and one wonders why i spent my time answering a blog/email, seemingly unnecessarily. btw, i’d at least be able to answer the phone for these people, if only the phone at my desk accepted incoming calls…. but it doesn’t. and by the time i get up to walk to another desk to fetch the phone, it’s stopped ringing. too bad. *shaking my head at the waste of it all* … okay. got the last three. i’m the best phone answerer ever. perfect etiquette. thorough and neat messages. especially compared to ‘miss’ who usually answers the phone. like an angry wild pig! or something.

24 March 2004 Wednesday

i may as well go to bed

yea… it’s kinda sad when… well, when the one person i would talk to isn’t there to talk to, because he’s turned up unexpectedly (but not very unsurprisingly) at a bar (‘but it’s not a bar, persay’)… and i’m not really permitted to talk with the person i’m inclined to talk with… and other people are mostly not really talk-worthy, and otherwise, not close enough, etc…. *shrug* so what’s left then? tapping the keys on my keyboard and not typing anything. this is silly. i may as well go to bed now.

i’m not sure what i’m feeling… i totally killed his mood. i’m kind of sincerely sorry about that, and kind of seriously not sorry about it much at all. maybe this time it wasn’t terribly bad, in terms of work-responsibility, but if the habit/inclination keeps up, it could soon very much be. and it’s been several hours. and there’s a reason i wasn’t contacted. i don’t need to be checked in with every two minutes and i don’t need to know exact whereabouts and activities all the time. but i do know when i feel like i should have been talked to, and i know when there’s a reason i wasn’t.

i know i’ve been the cause of a very unhappy last-night, and probably an uncomfortable today. well it’s been just peachy for me, thank you. even now i’m trying to do what hopefully turns out to be as right as possible and have everything work out better, sooner, for the most important people, as well as possible. love has casualties. and sacrifices. sometimes they’re the same thing. i don’t know what my mood is now. i’m feeling tired. annoyed. sad.

again, i may as well go to bed now… anyway, may be good to get a head start on the sleeping, especially since i’ll probably have to be up later.

and it’s times like this when i feel most lonely and wish i could just lay in bed or sit in my chair and really talk with someone.

and it’s times like this when that is least possible of all.

18 March 2004 Thursday

that God believes in suffering

Memnoch the Devil excerpts (there have been so many more i have wanted to take and share from this book):
where God, in human form (Jesus) speaks with the Devil, Memnoch, on Earth:
in response to God’s acceptance/sanctification of suffering and bloody sacrifice on altars to God, Memnoch says:

”’Yes, but that’s because you never interfered to stop it, you let it happen, you let this humankind evolve and they looked back in horror on their animal ancestors, they beheld their mortality, and they seek to propitiate a god who has abandoned them to all this. Lord, they look for meaning, but they find none in this. none.’

‘Lord, they chose these rituals which involve suffering because they cannot avoid suffering in the Natural World. The natural world is what must be overcome! Why must anyone suffer what humans suffer? Lord, their souls come to Sheol [—the land of souls.. not of Earth and not of Heaven,] distorted, twisted by pain, black as cinders from the heat of loss and misery and violence which they have witnessed. Suffering is evil in this world. Suffering is decay and death. It’s terrible. Lord, You can’t believe that to suffer like this would do any good to anyone. This suffering, this unspeakable capacity to bleed and to know pain and to know annihilation, is what has to be overcome in this world if anyone is to reach God!’’

He considered this a long time and then He shook His head sadly. ‘Memnoch, you are the one who has failed to understand. When is human closest to God than when they suffer for the love of another, when they die so that another might live, when they plunge towards certain death for the protection of those they leave behind or those truths about Life which Creation has taught them?’

‘But the world doesn’t need all that, Lord! No, no, no. It doesn’t need the blood, the suffering, the war. That wasn’t what taught Humans to love! Animals already did all that bloody, horrible catastrophe to one another. What taught Humans was the warmth and affection of another, the love for a child, the love in a mate’s arms, the capacity to understand another’s suffering and watnt to protect that other, to rise above savagery into the formation of family and clan and tribe that would mean peace and security for all!’ (p. 336)” ‘

and many more.

17 March 2004 Wednesday

Where I'm at

just about way enough stalling, neh?

So, where do I want to spend my energy? And before that, what results do I want?

would you choose contentment for yourself? would you choose Heaven?

assuming: to experience/to be in Heaven is contentment
defining: contement is the absence of restlessness; the absence of striving/yearning.

contentment is peace; complete contentment, in the arms of God, is a feeling of totality..

because God is all, and utterly comforting, and thoroughly satisfying.

then what of loyalty/love/concern/consideration for famly and friends? one’s interests? intentions? concepts and reasons of self-responsibility?

how can any of those exist in Heaven, then?

do we have to be utterly content?

”i’d rather hell with you, than Heaven alone.”

those who choose to sacrifice their passage to heaven, to fulfill their intentions…
... is all they’ve lost is the passage? or have they also chosen to fall out of God’s favor?
is entrance to heaven and God’s favor a hand-in-hand state?
or is Heaven just a place, and God’s love besides. ?

back to the top:
contentment for yourself…
...at disregard for everything else?

16 March 2004 Tuesday

is it only Tuesday?

evolution according to the devil… this memnoch book is so very interesting. the horror of unfolding evolution.. from beautiful life is born suffering, pain, brutality. suffering as the point of contention between God and the Devil. i started to share some of the text with my mom and she started telling me i was silly for accepting such absurd theories … .... it’s a fiction book. accept? nothing. fascinated by the concepts and ideas and questions and attempts at answers and possibilities and imagination? quite! i had an early, large dinner by myself just now.. so i’ll be in bed super early tonight. no late and lonely night like last.

'There's what we do, and there is what we don't do.'

There is no such thing as right and wrong —

There is no ‘right time’ to do most things —

— “There’s what we do, and there is what we don’t do.”

So then. Without knowing this, we can continue to wait, and hope for things to happen or show us the way on their own… maybe if we’re just patient and pay attention, we’ll act alright when the right time or the right choice comes. and maybe that’s pretty good.

But for those for who “Pretty good isn’t good enough”, hoping against new understanding seems rather unacceptable.

Having noticed the fact that things happen according to our choices and our actions, or, by those same means, happen not at all, then the excuse of ignorance and blind faith/hope for decisions to make themselves for us is reasonably lost.

Also, we’re not patient. If we were, then most of this would hardly matter. We can be patient. We will be, to a fair extent. But patience laid in wait and action laced with patience make all the difference.

“Living is a thing you do, now or never —which do you?” ~Piet Hein

what we do, and what we don’t do…
we do or we don’t…

that’s one choice. one necessary decision/action.

the thing that holds us up, tho, both in making that necessary choice to do or not, and then in following through and making it true or not, is deciding what, precisely, we mean to do (or don’t).

chicken and egg… you decide to, and then figure out exactly what? or figure out exactly what, and then decide to?

if you want to be sure of a successful poultry farm, i’d buy strong stocks of both chickens and eggs.

13 March 2004 Saturday

brief

i was offered a full time position today at the place i’ve been working at… it’s been two weeks.

i did get to nap today…

reading Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice. why would you kill/eat something you love? rather than keeping it? ...i’ll get back to Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath sooner or later…

song of the moment: Third Eye Blind – ’Deep Inside of You’

drunk people are rather silly…

and i’m missing that which i love.