What looks like a cloud to one person is a chance to sell umbrellas to the next.
“it’s the little sparks that fly and then land like dynamite…it’s just the simple things, pure incidentals…”
I am coming home to you with my own blood in my mouth.
And I am coming home to you if it’s the last thing that I do.
Excuse me, are you lost? Perhaps you would care to visit the site map
6:40am~ sleeeeeepy. holy so sleepy.
yesterday was very pleasant.
there’s a bunch of stuff i’d like to discuss…. but i don’t really feel so at liberty to freely think/write while i’m at work.
To Whom It May Concern:
I’ll try to mask some of my contempt, disgust, and hysterical incredulity as I tell this story. I’ll also make it as simple and short as is possible. I went to the movies today. My ticket stub and credit card receipt is clearly marked: 3:49pm. I put in quarters for well past an hour. But all of those details, actually, are not really necessary. All you need to know is this:
I parked at a meter that had a clear sign stating “2 hour (meter) parking, Mon-Fri 8am-5pm.” I came back after the movie to find a parking ticket on my windshield. The time noted on the ticket was 5:00. Actually, the carbon writing on it look to say 5:04—but it’s written over in pen (different from the rest of the ticket) to say simply 5:00.
Do I have to explain? The sign says 2 hour meter parking from 8am-5pm. Otherwise, free parking. The ticket said 5:00 in pen. So does the free parking kick in at 5:01? Even then, I had been sure to fill the meter with well past the hour before 5:00 that I would be gone for.
I don’t even want to write any more about this. The contempt and incredulity? How Why should I even mask that? What else is there to feel about such a pathetic situation/system? Not to even mention the “Chief of Police” who answered me at the front desk when I stepped into the Courthouse. -But the proper department was closed, of course. Mr. Chief of Police was very polite in explaining how, if I turn over the card, I can fill out the section that asks for my name and address, and I can mail it to the office that is clearly stated on the card, requesting a court date-as is clearly stated on the card. Thank you so much for that. Oy. <strong>thoroughly disgusted</strong>
Aside from that, I had a very nice day. Thank you.
6:11am~
i am so tired today. oy.
yesterday was nice enough. beautiful weather. essential company. all mostly reasonable things.
i forgot how hot my room can get.. it’s all that altitude..
and the basement is going to be a welcomed-back friend.
i hear that if your brain doesn’t get enough water, it gets sleepy. or your whole self gets sleepy, anyway.
i dunno. i’m sleepy/tired.. but i even feel lazy to drink my water that i have here with me.
i understand that work is a necessary function of society/life
but this can’t really be very much way to spend one’s limited days.
not for me, anyway.
but means to an end.
imposition and justification.. most things seem to be fine and well as long as they do not affect others. but to affect others in a way unpleasant to them is widely viewed as wrong.
would isolation satisfy others? no.. that would be selfish and insociable and inhuman and wrong, as well. to not be, is not acceptable. to not be nice, is not acceptable. must be nice, to be accepted. or so powerful that outlook upon you is only of pathetic and suggestive consequence. okay, so.. be nice or be powerful. this is all toward efficiency and idealism, btw. cuz of course you can be of average stock and be not nice. but since there would be that backlash since it is unacceptable social behavior, that’s simply not going to be a very ideal lifestyle for one who wants any sort of an ideal… mm. then we get to the concept of ideals. and an individuals’ personal ideals versus society’s. in fact, of course, a person’s morals and goals as well.
right of an outsider to go and impose their own ideals and methods and expectations on others.
but that’s humanity, right? struggle to be bigger, stronger, better, and to impact as many/much as possible. make them like yourself, or make them like you’d like.
~7:32am
soooo sleepy.
8:12am~
seriously. this energy being expended on keeping my eyes open makes it difficult to find energy for anything else (e.g. work).
and what i’m doing at work isn’t so terribly tiring at all…
and while i didn’t sleep early last night, it was certainly earlier than usual.
..though i did have to get up a bit earlier than usual, also…
but i guess what it is, is all the accumulated nights of not very much sleeping, for whatever reasons.
i need back those evenings, not long ago, when i would stop whatever i was doing to say, “screw it all; i’m going to bed. life and all this stuff will still be there tomorow.” yes. i must have those nights again.
8:43am~
lucky those who are staying in bed today. that’s where i belong, too.
‘guess there’s not much urgency to check my email today, then.
10:55am~
at least i’m more awake now. Also making progress formulating how to transfer / integrate aim profile site here.
11:41am~
said the rabbit to the bumblebee: “you can’t you can’t you can’t catch me!”
i absolutely should not have been up this late tonight..
i’m not sure exactly.. well, it’s a confluence of things at this point.. i suppose it usually is..
my tummy’s getting hungry.. i skipped dinner. i’m looking forward to cheerios with fresh strawberries and milk in the morning.
tomorrow we’re going to the Thai temple to celebrate Songkrahn.
i’ve been feeling lonely. it’s an emotional / mental thing rather than anything physical or real. i’m not without people who would care about me, or keep me company, or whathaveyou. i just.. well, i guess at least some of it stems from extended self-isolation. but i don’t think that’s even so much it lately.. now it’s .. oh who (knows / cares / something). *shrug* i’m not feeling particular motivation to figure it all out. mm.. and that’s probably got a whole very much to do with it.
goodnight.
found this song, You Are Here by Sam Bisbee. go check out the truly wonderful video and song at www.sambisbee.com. i know he’ll be found all over the place soon… ‘reminds me of a cross of ‘Postal Service’ and ‘the Eels’ and ‘Jimmy Eat World’ (—though significantly softer) and good stuff. *happy* to have found him.
“ever since i first saw you, standing in the black frozen night, ive been blind // but im driving in the dark towards you, not stopping til i catch the sun light in my eyes // nothing’s left to hide”
“i hope, your majesty, that you like your position. // i’ll do everything i can to keep you by my side, and i’ll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom // just kiss me before I go // ...i’ll have to walk a thousand miles just to find the ground deserving of your feet…”
a few deserved acknowledgements for some not-as-new favorites before i go:
‘Death Cab For Cutie’:
“when i see you, i really see you upside down // but my brain knows better.. it picks you up and turns you around // turns you around, turns you around // so if you feel discouraged that there’s a lack of color here, please don’t worry, love—it’s really bursting at the seams, absorbing everything // ...this is fact—not fiction // for the first time in years”
“i’d know what to do if i just knew what’s coming // i would change myself if i could.. i’d walk with my own people, if i could find them // and i would say that i’m sorry to you // i’m sorry to you, but i don’t want to call you // —but then i want to call you cuz i don’t want to crush you // —but i feel like crushing you
and it’s true, i took for granted you were with me // i breathe by your looks
and you look right through me”
“there’s no point in running ‘less you run with me // it’s half the distance through the open door, before you cut me down—again // let me introduce you to the end … // i will soar until the wind whips me down; leaves me beaten on unholy ground // so tired now of paying my dues; i start out strong, but then i always lose // it’s half the distance before you leave me behind ..it’s such a waste of time
here i slave inside of a broken dream, forever holding on to splitting seams // so take your piece (/ peace) and leave me alone to die // i don’t need you to keep my faith alive
i know now what trouble can be, and why it follows me so easily // it’s half the distance through the open door before you shut me down—again // so let me introduce you to the end”
and the one that’s still kept its place in my head as of late: ‘Lifehouse’:
“don’t give up on me yet.. don’t forget who i am // i know i’m not there yet, but don’t let me stay alone”
now, ‘going to bed.
Sam Bisbee – You Are Here
Saves the Day – Driving in the Dark, Nightingale
Death Cab for Cutie – A Lack of Color
Third Eye Blind – Deep Inside of You
Vertical Horizon – Shackled
Lifehouse – Take Me Away
i wasn’t going to spend my time on this today.. i really wasn’t.
i’ve been delving into a comparison of WordPress and MovableType.
where i’m beginning my “Word Press versus Movable Type” considerations from, are thus:
i’ll probably note more on this matter later. it might be simply to say, “i’ve decided to stay here (with MT) for a while yet…” ..but it might be to say, “check it, i’m moving!” i wonder, after that pending post, how many years will pass before i open up public access to this site?
so, synthetic wetless “water” has been invented/created, and they’ve named the chemical, ‘Sapphire’... a friend brought the article to my attention. i haven’t found much information about it offhand… but it seems fascinating… of course, i’m a bit suspicious of it. not that i don’t think it’s possible. i just want to mildly reassured that it is not at all toxic or otherwise contains properties besides diffusing fire and rolling/drying clean off of any object entirely submerged in it. what happens if a person bathes in it? does it have cleaning properties at all? does it not conduct electricity? how firm is it? can things float in it? what happens if you pour some oil in it? what happens when it’s mixed with water? does it actually mix, or separate? and what a potentially wonderful idea!
i played one game of tetrinet yesterday (a game I adored, and haven’t played in ..two-three years?) with old friends i haven’t seen in… almost two years? it was happy all around. ‘though there were people missing.
been thinking lots of things lately and today.
i think my not feeling well-ness recently has been—at least partially—a fair amount of (extra+?) stress. —but that doesn’t have so much to do with the thinking things lately, actually. things i’ll note, very briefly:
i really do like (especially green, lately) seedless grapes.
people are not equal. they’re just not. one of the best ways i think we deal with this, is that some of us choose to believe that every person is born into their respective lives very purposefully. the child with abusive parents, the old man who dies without family or caring friends, the woman enslaved to entertain others through her torture-wrenched pain. circumstances. but deliberate circumstances, if you believe in karma, or predetermination. but human beings are not each born equal to each other. and do not lead equally painful / carefree / comfortable / humiliating / educating / heart-aching / etc.etc.etc. lives.
today i came across the statement that “the world is dying.”
for some reason, maybe the timing in my life, or in my day, or whatever less reasonable reasons, the sentiment irked me. the actual feeling it evoked from me was.. i guess a mixture of disdain and offendedness. “the world is dying”?? there are some terrible terrible things going on in the world. the environment is not being treated very sustainably. and the humaneness of humanity (humanity of humanity) certainly is a questionable thing —but that has been true on one level or another throughout our known history of “sentience” on this planet. when i was younger, maybe seven years old or so, i was constantly being told that someone i knew wasn’t well, and was dying. some 15 years later, they’re as wrong about it as i always felt they were. but you can encourage death by insisting that it’s there. something like how you can make a ghost real through thinking about it. the thing is (back to this planet dying stuff), this world isn’t dying. look at that sun! the other day’s rain! my mother smiling at me when i came home! my brother singing in the shower, my computer connected to millions of computers around the world, people reading and writing books and painting and singing and running and picking flowers and stepping on insects and hunting deer and driving high-emission vehicles and shooting men and enhancing nuclear weapons and… is that what everyone’s talking about? is that the “planet is dying” stuff they insist on? i understand the sentiment. i’ve expressed it before. the thing is, the planet isn’t dying. we’re certainly making things much worse for ourselves than they could be/would be/should be, but to say that the planet is dying… for whatever reason, again, that upsets me today. the planet could be blown to bits at any moment, yes. but so could you. are you dying? maybe. we’re always getting older. and as far as i know, we haven’t yet figured an alternative to morality. so we’re all going to die. but i think i would be unhappy/offended to hear someone tell me that i am dying. it implies a lack of hope to me. and a discardation/disregard for all the life that does exist. (probably didn’t help my outlook on any of it that the statement was made in religious context: “Only one who has risen can save a world that is dying.” grrrrrr. so much for appreciation and faith in humanity. i ask you, is that grateful? all that glitters is not glory. that’s my general thought on that. i’d write more, but more or less of my point is out (however poorly-formed and -written). and when am i going to get my nap in, today?
~Maren Ord....why don’t you get up, and rise again for me? what if the world were a little more perfect? would you open your eyes, and blink again for me?”
“this time, all i want is you… i try to make my way to you, but still i feel so lost.. i’ve seen it all and it’s never enough.. it keeps leaving me needing you”
i’m glad the sun came out today.
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